pursuit of happiness

so not to sound sooo cliche but i guess i will with the pursuit of happiness....every year there is a new year resolution that floats around in the head of I think almost everyone...what can i do better? what can i do differently? what is going to be my great epitome for next year?...this year sucked so next year has to be better right? Well I hate to be a ball buster but not necessarily...2010 was really good but sometimes it takes a few pictures to remind me of that. My great summer away at school. The first time I lived outside of AZ. I spent so much time, learning, healing, and becoming more independent than I ever thought I was. We had a lot of fun this year. Two of my friends got married and one cousin, I spent a marvelous time on a cruise to Mexico  and met amazing new friends and more to come.

So as the common factor of most my writings, death -- my mom--here is some more.

This year was spent more in a time of healing. I came to the conclusion that death kills you. Literally but for the rest left behind. It ruins you, breaks you. You are broken. A broken human being, trying to put your life back together from the rubble that is left behind. There is really  no rhyme or reason to what you are doing during these times of grieving except you are trying to piece together a time that once was, that you can never reclaim or go back to or correct. You have to leave that time there and let it be. One can spend a lot of time fantasizing about who you would change it. I know I did. A lot of time spent crying, screaming, breaking things. Mostly done in private but some eye cringing moments done in public. But what to do really? The pain will never leave you. But you will get through it somehow you do and that is the crappy part I suppose. In times of holidays, when I try to hold on to the last semblance of my whole family, the drab conclusion is that you can not finish a puzzle with out the last piece, can not make the perfect cake with out all the ingredients, cant glue glass back together with out a crack left. You can see where I am going here with all the metaphors. So therefore, i am broken. And so my conclusion to fixing my broken self is to past the outside back together, freezing my forehead so people cant really tell my emotions, I might be crying but there is not ONE wrinkle line on my face, reconstructing my body to cut off all the pain, scars of anger, sadness, will always be left and I am okay with that, plastering on my eyelashes and pinning on my weave. The world cant tell your insides are broken if your outsides resemble perfection I reasoned to myself. But the next step is harder


Breaking through that wall of outer "perfection" and letting people into see myself. The emotion. Which comes out mostly when I am completely aggravated, angry, or completely taken off guard- that is when I hate it most.

But back to the "pursuit of happiness" with all these great things this year. Living in San Diego, I was able to meet people and share pieces of life, myself and  become un codependent upon my comfortable world. The world I like just fine. I took a pretty large leap I would say. Being truly happy for my friends getting married even though its what I want to most. I put all my time into myself. A pretty selfish concept really, but really being completely out for me, I was able to happily start thinking about all the others and how I could help them. It was a happy feeling. I sort of pride myself on getting what i want. If I want it i work dang hard to get it. No apologies thank you very much!
there was  a point to this i swear. ooh yeees, my pursuit of happiness. So as I hit the old age of 27...ugh. yuck. gross. As i hit this age, I came to the "epitome" I dont have to pursue it, if i do it it will be there right? okay kinda lame but you know what i mean. I already do what i want. I have already (to this day) been at my lowest and its been pretty low...so this year i will resolve to...well i havent decided yet. hehe....All I know is that I am so grateful for all the happiness i have had through my friends and family even through my brokenness

everyone needs to be heard I guess

 I sat here today and downloaded Christmas music. As much as I want to be sad during this time, and I am---its not really a WANT to be sad but a longing for the family we used to once have- as dysfunctional it was complete, I downloaded Christmas music. I secretly think my mom knew I would not let this holiday pass by, mostly because I like presents. But its more than that. I like the smell, the feelings, the colors, the music, the mass, how church smells around Christmas. Its nice, its peaceful, its happy. I cant wait for Christmas. It brings me back to a time of smiles and joy and food. Lots of food and family. I miss that the most. My complete family. I feel sometimes that I am the one to keep it all cemented together. The reliable one. The loyal one. The one not to mess with. I think that is my purpose, my penance. My dreams have been coming strong these past few weeks. The discord won't leave my mind. My mom is yelling. Normally, I am yelling at her. She is yelling now. She is mad. She is upset. Even though I know in Heaven there is peace, she is at peace. I think she is urging me to do something different. Maybe make peace with everything. Let it go....her famous words to me that when I heard them, I cringed every single time...it was pretty much a daily saying of hers, but now I cling to them.

I went to visit her. To get some guidance, on the scary and irrational thought that she might talk back, I laid in the grass around where her stomach would be I guess. When I was little I would lay on her stomach, it always made noises, I used to think "How freaking weird" Now mine does the same....so I laid there, fell asleep. I could feel the grass, damp but not wet. Long and lush- thanks to my OCD father, Before I fell asleep, I watched the bugs crawl around the blades of green grass. I thought so this is who you hang out with. At least you like bugs. Then I looked at the other headstones, someone died in the same year as she did, but this woman was old really old, someone died a few years before she did...not too old but still not as young as she was. Some person had their flowers knocked over, I picked them up and was careful not to stand on their head. I thought, this is who you hang out with. These are your friends. Quiet, peaceful and at rest just like you. No one to forget you, no one to betray you, double cross you or snap at you. Always and forever someone taking care of you now. The least we could do. So I laid on the grass, waiting to hear her voice. Nothing. The sun was warm, the breeze was nice and nothing. A shadow of an angel laid over my body. I patted myself on the back with the perfect choice of headstone....this angel is always watching her, stone, therefore never able to take her eyes from her. It comforts me. I tell her I got my hair done today. I say Hi, I tell her I am sorry and just wait for something. Anything.

Then Im awake...looking around, realizing I fell asleep- narcolepsy has won again. But it was nice- I took a nap with my mom. just like when I was a little girl. I told her I was sorry, I had to go. Ashley is getting married. I thanked her for watching over us on our cruise....and let her know I knew she was there in Mexico---keeping us safe. Enjoying the party. I got up, wiped the head of the angel, and got in my car.

As I was driving off, a woman was standing alone. Sobbing in front of a headstone. A feeling, a memory, a site I know quite well. "How sad" I thought to myself. Then another funeral today, a baby, a tiny casket, for a newborn. I thought "even sadder" that poor mother. To bury a child. To want a precious child, to have it grow in your belly, to feel it move, to hear the heartbeat, only to have to give it back to God. Poor mother.

I left. I came home, fixed my hair, changed my clothes and went to Ashley's Bridal shower. Ate and ate. Ive been very hungry lately....obviously I have been pushing something down. Guilt, anger, sadness. All three.

For some reason, I decided that night, I was not going to retire early and go to sleep, I was not going to be alone with my thoughts. I went out with Ashley, Will, some friends and Wills mother. She was warm, and funny and loves him so much. I opened up to her a little. She hugged me. She felt nice. A hug from a mom. It's warm, its lovely. I brag, "I sing you know?" Well sing for us....Nope not gonna happen. :) When I leave, she tells me "you have a talent, share it for the world." Practice. Do it. I say goodbye. Still not ready to go home, I chauffeur Kelly and myself to another bar. Where we see old friends, laugh, and I meet someone famous (well famous to me) ...Like a true fanatic, I ask for a picture (not an autograph---what an idiot!) Then finally 4am. I am home. awake and watching some tv...I really wish I had some ice cream. But I fell asleep. Now alone with my dreams. Sometimes I hate them. But not tonight...I don't remember them. My eyes are puffy and swollen and red, so I know I was crying. I do it a lot when I sleep. I don't cry during the day...I can't really stand criers..well grown up criers...I think they are babies, so I must cry at night because sometimes...well I can be a baby. Sunday comes, I do my chores, then lay in bed all day...Rent a movie and get ready for Monday.  Kelly comes back over, we gossip a little, I take her to her car. Go back to Ashelys house...gossip a little more and then I went home. What a blessing I thought to have great friends.

After thinking about what a fun/ nice weekend I had, I think that its OK to be a little happy sometimes, Its OK to relinquish control---my world has fallen apart once, how bad could it be if it fell apart again?! Not that bad I suppose. I got back on the horse once....after a lot of drama, fighting, and loss of friends. I got back on....it was bumpy but it brought me to a good place--- for now I guess.

So this whole story brings me back to Christmas music. I love It. The good ones though, sorta like the Catholic Church songs. They are heavy, strong, point making and yet at the same time, very fragile. I like singing these songs. They have their own sense of drama within themselves. So in order to sing to the world, I will start with Christmas music. Get ready L- Bo.

Obessions

Ever feel like when you become obsessed with something you just talk about it all the time? I guess obsession goes hand in hand with discussing it in every moment of ever day.....I tend to bitch about it. I am more obsessed with the shit than anything good right now. boo hoo on me.

Today I had a pretty selfish thought...if I could I would have pulled my mom from heaven today. Pretty selfish. I just want to talk to her. OR have her take care of all the little things I find fault in. I wanna tell people " its not about accepting change, its probably accepting death" Maybe I walked into my situation to have a constant reminder of that pain. Or just to do something for her finally to give her something back.

what is racking my brain, is some of her last words to me is " I am worried for you, I am worried you will follow my path----dont follow my path" I have prided myself on not doing so. And yet hear I am. Happy with it but in a constant fear that I am in her path. Getting walked over, being passive, being unhappy and stressed and ultimately have my bodied riddled with cancer taking my life suddenly wrenching me from this world and maybe leaving everyone a little pissed off because its a big F U. But I dont think she worked like that. Shes not the F U type. Me on the other hand...yep thats me.

SO I have become obsessed with a lot of things. First on my list: NOT AGING . Its been confirmed in my head. A tummy tuck, botox and maybe a arm tuck....the others I am not so sure about yet but this is confirmed. I dont care about the monetary cost. My second obsession. Not getting cancer. This is a tough one because sugar and stress my two other addictions are big triggers of cancer...but what to do? walk away from both?! Thats like going cold turkey into a war zone. NO THANK YOU. My third obsession: Living for me. This has been hard because overall I have the enabler gene in myself. Giving to others before myself. Feeling guilty treating myself to anything really. Working for others all the time---and people call me lazy?! Well F U. Obsession 4: Not really giving a crap if people dont like me. Thats your problem- get over it. I dont know why people hate on me but really?! I dont care anymore.fourth obsession..seriously making my CD...singing all songs...good songs.

Obsession....Its almost as bad as a real addiction. (Which I fully believe is mind over matter....of course until you allow yourself to become physically dependent on something) Time consuming, exhausting, plotting, drama, twists and turns, plans, broken plans, expensive. Makes you sick and consumed. I guess I am obsessed then.

I dont really see the problem however, to take one hour in the morning for myself. No phone no people no distractions. JUST me well and my bff...one of them at least. but that is a good stability. Then the 4 hours at home before I fall asleep- most the time involuntarily. The rest of the day...its yes mam, what can i get you, how may i help you, yes I can do that, yes, yes, yes, yes, NO but yes. run run run....back to all this running. Still running....3 years and still running. out of breath, out of energy.....If I could just shake the people who have forgotten or who to me have forgotten. Maybe I want to pull some glass from my skin and put it in theirs...they can have a shred of this pain....but then again that is a pretty big shred. So I won't. I will sit and remember they have a story too I guess....OR sit and zone out in front of the TV and forget it all....until 7am then next day at least.

still running....still obsessed. How do you change an obsession....

Im Bored

These words are coming out of my mouth more and more lately. I sometimes feel that I have nothing to stimulate me. My world consists of constant routine. Wake up, go to the gym, get dressed, go to work, go home, watch tv, go to sleep. This is definitely not what I had envisioned for my life.

I was going to travel....see the world, Rome, Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, I was going to find a hot, loving passionate man, and we were gonna travel and have babies, and change the world. One person at a time. Well that hasnt happened  yet. But I still have hopes that it will.

I look at all my "little loves" the young girls I used to hang around with at 21 when they were just little 18 year old babies. They are traveling, drinking, and living it up. I did that too but it was more of a state of shock from the death of my mother at 23. I went on a short 9 month sabbatical of my mind and went straight to crazy town. Crazy, I dont give a flying F, crazy, wild, tatted, piercing,  whats your name?, vegas crazy. But once again, reality hit and I realized I allowed certain people and situations in my life that I dont want in my life. SO I cut it out. Cut it out like a cancer, or a tumor or something that is so bad in your life that WILL kill, I cut it out. With a machetti. swift, fast, bloody. But never coming back. 

Today, I have a job, a good job, a good family business job, I am respected and liked. and Yet I am bored. I need something to do. BUT WHAT?! 

Going to the bars does not really appeal to me anymore...It sorta grosses me out. Young drunk kids, dirty, young gross wild. Not fun. Last night I dropped my brother and his friends off at the bar and as I waited to turn I saw 6 girls, young, tight tight dresses, showing off way too much leg, or a dress cut all the way down to their asses, all with heels and a little tiny belly pouch. I laughed to myself because one...it was 10pm and they were obviously walking towards a house party. 2. they were all walbling in their heels that were too tall and hard to walk into, and seeing their not large but prominent pooch of bellies, made me laugh because what is small now, wont be so small in a short year, and will become a problem when they are 24 and are really fat, not just "fat" and live in the gym like I do, to Sweat off that freshman 15....in my case freshman 50! I just sat their and laughed to myself...YOU DUMB girls....I knew how their night would end. One would puke, one would cry, one or two would hook up with a random...the night would be a disaster a drunk disaster....but the next day: They would sit around and giggle with each other and talk and be like
"it was so crazy fun" Sometimes I miss those days, but I think I enjoy being 100 pounds less and have a degree and a job. 

Still though I find myself bored...I am kinda mean because I am so bored...a little judgmental and in everyone else's business that I am starting to bother myself.  At the end of the day I just need a conclusion to how to figure my shit out! 

Everyday I still am pissed and cry and am really really angry and sad about my mom dying. That will never go away. I have come to realize and learn this. and ultimately accept it. Its a scar caused by a deep wound not a gun wound but a deep knife stabbed in the heart...Overall I survived it, so I should be pretty dang strong but still with a delicate heart.  AND on a total side note: just because I dont cry every 5 minutes....doesnt mean my feelings dont get hurt! 

Back to reality here...I need a plan. I dont have one yet. First step ---plan a trip. 

A hot Mess of a Reality Check

Today - well this evening it hit me. I walked into Lauren's new apartment and it was so pretty and put together and I thought to myself. WTF? I have to go home to AZ, its hot, and busy, and full of work and no play. An overwhelming sense of the stress called my life came rushing back that suddenly disappeared when I traveled 300 miles away from my life. 

This summer I embarked on a small journey to San Diego, to get some training so I can be a teacher. This has been the plan since my mom passed away. To get my degree, then my teacher training, then my masters, and I guess a family in the middle somewhere...but everyone keeps saying that will happen when you least expect it. Well I sure as heck hope not because I think my family would slaughter me- even though I am not 18 I am respectable. 

I made my brother drive me here in promises I would take him to the Zoo, the poor thing was SO sick but sucked it up like a champ, I dropped him off at the airport and then again I realized, OH MA GOD, I am alone... Here in a new place with a GPS, that I don't know how to listen too alone. This feeling of alone has been with me for awhile now, A lone soldier, one who has to rely on herself, to take care of the bills, clean the house, and still look semi acceptable to work my 9- 5 which is more like a 7 - 6. I started to freak out (silently) and went back to my dorm- 7 years of college - YES 7, and I never put myself in the dorm life- I always had a home of my own, my own space, my own things, me. Alone, the way I like it. I got to my dorm and opened the door and there she was my new friend. Hi Im Lauren, Im Lauren and instantly I knew this would be a cool summer. 

Then the course starts. This course promises a few things. An education, hard work, Knowledge, and a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly , a cub to a lioness, a Pinocchio to a real boy or however you want to think of it but a transformation of some sort into a whole person. I didn't think much of the transformation as much as I thought of how to get the work done efficiently, well written, and done quickly, like how things need to be done in my world. Swiftly, correctly, beautiful, and with no excuse for failure- quality, something to be proud of. Which of course it was, with the occasional trip to Newport, or visit from the BFF, the work I do is always great I know this. The "transformation" however, I guess will come in steps, I don't wanna look for it, I just want it to be. 

This summer has been a time of not only hard work, but of reflection and healing. Of having to do what my mother always told me to do and that is to "let go". I control everything, or at least everything has a sense of structure, and control, consistency, and quote un quote boringness, I do well with regimen. The organization of this course, has had to force me to go with the flow a little bit more and make me wait for things. I have had to be okay with the fact that I can not ask my mom about my babyhood, was I breast fed, when did I walk, when did I talk, were you happy when you were pregnant with me. Something Larry (my proud poppa) would also have no knowledge of. I have added 2 more friends to the mom/dad passed away club bringing my total to 6. 6 people who know how shitty it is. You don't even have to say anything just eye contact and they freaking get it. Its something you almost want to share in silence. And on top of this, I have made a bunch of new friends, and of course, have logged even more smartness into this brain of mine ( :) ) I always knew that I would be a fun mom, or a good mom or just mom but now I know I can be a wonderful parent if I work hard at what is best for my future kiddos. People need to get the difference between being a mom/dad and a parent. They are one in the same and two completely different things. And I highly recommend getting over your own emotional turmoil before bringing a child into this world. 


So back to My hot mess of a reality check...Lauren (not me the other one) has this beautiful grown up apartment. I had my own house once, but due to circumstance of my old life as an enabler, I gave it up. But now I think its time for a new house. Another little thing I saw today. In La Jolla in the starbucks, every single person was in a business suit, probably living in a million dollar home and probably even in this economy walking around with bags and bags of cash, now this IS an assumption other than the business suit part, but its time for me to up my wardrobe game. Most days my hair is perfectly done (thanks to Gigi's wonderful hands and teachings) my forehead is full of my new favorite injectables and wrinkle less, and my skin is chemically peeled and microdermabraised to a really smooth texture, and the makeup- I am just good at makeup and on top of that this summer I hit my goal 100 lbs, then I got hungry and have to go back down another 5. FML but I do it to myself. So I will dress always (At least at work) as a business woman, I have a business degree why not dress to impress. I will NEVER look a day over 25 (hopefully) and I will not par take in anything that will condone giving myself cancer. I know that I was born with every cancer cell I will have but I am not going to help that shit metastasize.

I will be debt free- some freaking how, but I can do it so I will one day have bags and bags of cash. 

I will take a few vacations to My Mexico.

I will try to be more social, go out a little bit more and be a tiny insy wincy bit more emotionally open. I DONT like this part. I protect myself. A rock, covered in steel, armed with a heat ray gun (these are real) but maybe just maybe I will stop ending things before they start and just go with the flow with out compromising myself here.
I will try to deal with my emotional turmoil so I can bring a healthy baby into this world and hopefully a husband before that well actually yes a husband before a baby and before I am 30...


I will continue to learn how to sew and cook and do all these "wifely" duties - funny thing is My brother will teach me to cook, if I pester him and I taught myself (basically) to sew.


I am sure a bunch of other stuff too but all these little decisions came to me in a quick 5 minute internal freak out! A list a long list of things to do. 


I guess if you think about it, transformation doesn't just occur, it takes a lot of work and growth for that Caterpillar to turn into butterfly, cub into a lion and did Pinocchio turn into a real boy or did that whale eat him?!


So for a second I was like I am a hot freaking mess! I am a crazy cat lady (minus the cats) Sheizer!! but when I look at the hand I have been dealt, the blessings God has bestowed upon me, and the responsibility I have to my mom and the relationship we never got to heal, I think I have done pretty well for this road well taken. 


SO..until next summer, its time to pack up, stop eating, start dieting, and get ready for the long haul, cause I have a feeling I have some serious butt to kick....especially my own chunky monkey! 

Back to Reality...but not till Saturday


 

a poem of beauty by kahlil Gibran

On Beauty
Kahlil Gibran

Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."
And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

The tired and the weary say, "Beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."
But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east."
And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say,
"We have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills."
And in the summer heat the reapers say,
"We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves,
and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."
All these things have you said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.

music la di da

When I was little, I would listen to a song over and over and over. I would dance around and sing it in my room at the top of my lungs and dance all nuts like Mariah...That stopped when my mom caught me doing it- all embarrassed

I still listen to songs over and over, I take in the song and love it until I know every word, then I am done...Its over and I can't listen to it again.

I am doing it now. :)

I have been here in San Diego...(absorbing it all) for about 4 weeks now. And I love it....just time alone by myself to figure out this world OR myself...who really knows. I figure you can't have it all figured out cause then its time to die. To release and go I suppose.

I love it here, but I really miss my people...all secluded in my "apt" but its wonderful and cold and a lot of hard work. or just work.

I have done a lot and figured out some things.

That hard work and effort, really does make you appreciate all the things you do and have, that I like hard work, that I have become a really reclusive person, am a compulsive buyer and will maybe never be rich, and to not be afraid of my voice--anymore...I think back to the 16 year old bad ass I used to be...Say what is on my mind and not care, but I am better at it now because I can pick my battles.

This has been a time of "transformation" I am not quit a butterfly yet but I am getting there a real girl ;)

Anyway back to the point---like there is ever a point...I love music...it takes me to another world..And I swear after a few drinks, I can Beyonce, Christina Aguleria, Mariah anyone under the table...whats next maybe american Idol

To re learn to sew

My mom used to ask me all the time, " Don't you remember anything good from your childhood? Can't you just let it go?" I would always say "nothing I remember nothing good"

As I sit here, in my "new" world, away from my family and friends, away from the people who know "my crazy" my ins and outs...I sit and try and be on my best behavior, to not make a snippy comment back to really rude comments or just pure ignorance, anyone who knows me and my big mouth, must understand my turmoil.

I am on a completely new path in a way. Finally, I am able to see past the past, and start to see a clear picture of the future. This is not an epiphany moment but a series of memories that I am remembering - I am starting to feel like instead of running for the past 3 years, I can just walk, I can see other than what is directly around me and start to see past the "drama"

All of my "ah hah" moments in class, seem so easy to complete. It allows me to realize and appreciate...SO to learn to sew.

When we got our assignments about making materials and aids for the children in an infant community, I thought - AWESOME! No biggie- I can do it. So I start to cut my fabric. Joking that my moms biggest sewing accomplice was the hot glue gun- and that is no joke, I can use that thing back and forth with no issue! I pinned my fabric cut it, confused by it and then looked and a simple sewing machine- I got a lesson, and thought I can totally do this!

I began to push my fabric through on my maroon line that I drew ( easy right?!) then my first obstacle....its starts to curve, but my thread is going straight, OK, so I readjust, but it continues to do this over and over and over, then the needle gets jammed. In a moment of frustration, I said " I quit, I give up, I will just buy it" But with another lesson, I try again. My frustration is still building and I am starting to push back tears. I am thinking, I never learned to sew...She never taught me to sew...but this isn't true. I watched as my mom made us amazing costumes, dinosaurs, ballerinas, horses, witches, everything- anything we wanted. Then I remembered our cakes. Not just cakes but it was another world on top of this cake! A pre historic world of dinosaurs, a cloudy home for Care Bears, a race car track, a star track universe or an ACTUAL 3 - D barbie doll cake! Who's mom can do that? So I am done, with my "Toppinchino" a large flat pillow, hold it up, and look at the crooked lines and think in my head, " MY poor future baby...has to lie on this ugly lopsided toppinchino- its not soft enough, its not straight, its not plump enough, my poor baby that I don't even have yet!, how am I going to do this? How am I going to be a mom?" I don't know how to do anything!! Sure I can pour money into a child, buy them cute things, But I can't even sew a damn pillow!" I've lost my maternal instinct, my natural ability to care for children because I can't even do the most basic of things. I need to learn how to be lady I guess, not that my mom was the every day woman. She worked very hard at her business, she was very into sports and she was creative an artist and pleaser....I kills me. It kills me what she went through, What I put her through, how some of her so called friends treated her. It kills me. The hardest part is it that I won't get to finish the cycle--- I won't get to complete this cycle. I will have to forever, learn to do things on my own, won't get my link, not have that connection anymore. (I know a pity party here)

I wanted to cry at that moment, watching all these women in my class, some moms, some not, some who have less knowledge than me and think its not fair, I don't have a mom to show me these things. It sucks! Instead of calling my mom every night. I call my grandma- my wonderful grandma. I think one of the reasons she sent me here is so that I could learn how to do these things for myself.

I packed my things, I went home and didn't look at it. So I put on my shoes, I started my walk down my first goal, the steep hill, then I started to walk up my second goal, the steeper hill, then I started run it. Just for a few short seconds, but I jogged, I breathed heavy, I wanted to cry. I went back to my room and picked up this toppinchino and thought, I am going to dominate this thing! I am going to learn to sew. I just have to remember what I watched as a young girl. A happy memory something that came back, when I let something nasty out of my head, something bad, something sad. I de- threaded everything I didn't like, and I went for it. I did it! Its still not perfect but my special little future child wont have to lay on a lopsided toppinchino anymore.

My next task was the Gnocchi balls, how hard is it to sew a piece of thread through a Styrofoam ball...harder than you think. But I will do it. Maybe with a little hot glue.

2 weeks down 5 to go

My second week in Southern California has come to an end and I have 5 weeks to go. I hate to say it but it was a little warm today. I really do not want to get acclimated so when I come back to AZ that its to darn hot!!
It is true when you don't have your family and close friends you are forced to venture out. Something that I have been doing almost every day. I have concurred a few fears and gotten some new ones and have made a new list of goals for myself.
The first one is to run up the hill - my nemesis. I will do it one day but I have to master walking up first. The second is to break my plateau and drop another 15 lbs....possible in 5 weeks? I don't know.
Third is to take up a new hobby and write more and to finish up most of my book that I will write. To learn all I can in school and get my masters when I get home to AZ.
We watched a film today- The miracle of Birth....After watching a baby crown out of a ladies goodie bits, and then seeing a doctor man handle a placenta I decided that even though I see myself with a family and want to get married and have babies, that I think I can wait a few years.
I have also really really learned the importance of parents. I have met another girl who lost her mother 3 years ago. She was young too and we bonded a little bit over it- I wonder if she has the same thoughts in her head that I have in mine. I sit in class and realize my mom gave me everything she had. I will always have the guilt of not mending back and becoming friends but literally time ran out.
People keep telling me- wait for your transformation just wait absorb....Well in many ways, I feel like I already have absorbed. I can always learn more but I think I have dealt with a ton of stuff most people my age hasn't or maybe they have but just in a different way.
So I am so pleased to be able to enjoy the weather and the beautiful campus here. I am glad that everyone is very nice and every single man smiles at me...holla hehe- I dont think I will ever get used to the the fact that it takes 10 minutes to travel 2 miles! Or that the freeways are dark and scary but I really enjoy learning and am excited to be back in school!!

a fresh start to smell the roses

Today...I traveled long and far to the good Ole City of San Diego to start my Montessori teacher training...with my 18 month younger brother Jay in Tow- driving me actually, we started our am very tired and a little irritated with the fact that we both were up super late due to some unforeseen drama but none the less this is my life...when would I really expect to have a calm, prepared trip, packed and ready to go with a great night of sleep before hand. That is all I wanted but didn't really get...I should have known better. It's not the calm, it's the calm before the STORM. None the less we got on our way- with no tickets from the PO PO...( knock on wood) I could really go with out seeing them again for a long time!

Then we got here! On my first real drive on the 5? I almost side swiped a car...really though they were following to close in the lane next to me...AND with the Garmin GPS thing yelling at me it was only fitting. I sort of felt like the scene in Clueless when D got on the freeway...screaming! Just imagine that coming out of Jays mouth. His neurotics made me laugh the whole day today!

Tomorrow I will start my lonely (hopefully not) stay at USD. The campus is so freaking pretty. I really think I was born to marry a hot Latino man who can build me an old rustic Hispanic home just like USD because seriously the architecture is for me!

A mom at the school told me to take a journal and write 5 things that I am grateful for. I will start my list here. Today I am grateful for a few things:

1. Jay is neurotic...it makes me laugh! BUT I better not get what he has or I will beat hi s neurotic ass...I'm feeling a little queezy now so i better go to bed.
2. GPS. Even though she screamed at me today I know she will save my butt this summer
3. the weather is beautiful...it is nice to be a little chilly and not sweat every waking moment of the day!
4. The worker at the gift shop. She let me know that the USD campus is VERY liberal and to keep my conservative thoughts to myself. Even though she agrees with ME!
5. This opportunity to get away and learn. Even though I have a degree and went through college, I never went away for school, I never lived in the dorms, or spent enough time on campus to enjoy it. I also never stopped to smell the flowers in college. I just did the work and did it well. but now I will get too- what an experience.
6. For Ms. Gigi....it is great to have a friend who thinks I am hilarious and vise versa, who helps me confirm my backbone, and supports me. just nice!
Tomorrow I am sure there will be more but today I just hope I didn't get the BUG!

Oh and that TARGETS are universal...gotta love a good Target trip even when you are rushed through with your brother...not such a fun trip but none the less I got the low down of my new favorite target.

Things I wont feel bad about!!

So after another eventful day....i have come to some more conclusions! wow....here are a few things I will never feel bad for! 1. that I am blessed and have a good family. We may be big, loud and all over the place but my family always has my back and that will never change. 2. That I have nice things. I work very very hard for my things. I got my degree and pay my way. I see something I want and I get it. I wont feel bad about being successful. Everyone can have it- you just gotta apply yourself. 3. That my family helps me. My family is the best. They worked very hard for what they have and they want to share it. Not only material but lessons to. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles have instilled many important traits and I am proud to be where I am. 4. That I am a lady. I like that I will walk away from drama that I dont need. Dont get me wrong you want to call me a Bitch and those are fighting words but I will walk away from crap that I dont need. 5. I wont feel bad that I wake up early and fall asleep at a reasonable hour. I wake up at 5 and go to the gym....people think this is crazy..but guess what people I have lost almost 100 lbs and I am freaking PROUD! Have a met my goal? not yet but I am well on my way 6. That I will succeed even when people doubt me. Its OKAY be jealous......but PLEASE dont think because I have it good now that my life has not been full of pain......I should not have to struggle just because other do. FYI two weeks after my moms funeral I was back in classes and had a 3.9 GPA in 7 classes....please try and tell me that this is not "hard" to have to fight with the grief, shock, and tragedy and on top of this plan a funeral and realize I lost my mom....and then on top of that fight with teachers who will not let me take finals, and fight with ASU to get my moms degree for her AND fight with the medical board for mal practice...F- U....my life has not been easy, it has not been a walk in the park and I have stuggled. 7. I will not be ashamed or feel shamed that I went to private school. Again my parents and grandparents worked hard to send me to private school. I received a great education, manners, faith, and much more... 8 8. I am a professional. There is something to be said about this. No I dont wear torn clothes to work, or think its okay to cuss in the office or befriend my clients.....its not professional- its OKAY. 9.That I am not a hypocrite. 10, That I will not settle for a man, who yells, beats, puts me down or doesnt love and care for me the way I am.....I dont accept that from my friends, family or strangers SO why would I do this for my husband. 10. .....I am still thinking The only thing I wish is that people would not judge me. Mind your business!

why struggle if you dont have to. Why because in other peoples minds I have not had as hard as them do I have to be brought down?! I dont get it. And please dont forget when you hurt me....because of whatever reason and you are/were my moms friend you are hurting her.....She may be in Heaven but she watches over me and she sees what is happening and only she and God will get to judge you when you die. So sit on that for a second. Dont treat me like shit because I am how I am. My mom made me this way- she taught me- and I am who I am because of her....in her life and her death. I am not perfect, I am not devoid of feelings. I have a wall for a reason and I shelter my pain to survive. I stress because I want things to be perfect for her. And they wont be but this is my path to follow. I will walk it and you probably cant fit in my shoes so suck it. I am 26 I dont need to be shamed. I need to be supported and if you truly can not do this from the bottom of your heart then dont worry about what I get or dont get, or what I do or dont do. BUT for sure never doubt me because I will surpass and succeed and I will always be one step ahead. I have faced one of the worst things I will ever face in my life and I wish to God that others dont have to feel this pain but I know you will.....everyones mom dies. I just hope you dont have to feel it the way I did. I hope you dont have to make the choices I did. I hope you dont have to face your fears when your only weapon are your tears. I just pray to God, that you can step back and remember who you were and where I am going. I am hurt today....but I sure as hell wont be made to feel bad about where I am going and what I am doing. Worry about yourself and mind your business. God gave me my life for a reason, and its not yours to worry about- maybe you should look into your soul and judge yourself and leave mine out of your head. It probably wont bug you as much.

I used to be the best at keeping secrets. Everything IN and nothing OUT. Then one day I don't know what happened....I think my mouth exploded. People say a lot about "Secret tellers" AKA "Gossipers" mostly that they are bad, boring, negative, have nothing better to say, but I think a little differently- I think that the secrets that I have had to store away in this noggin of mine have been so colossal that I know what is important and what is not. I often get told or asked, "whats wrong with you? Are you Okay? "why do you look so angry?" When really I am fine, I am OK and well I am just listening really really intently. I might brush it off because I just dont care or have time for it but I am listening. One of my biggest declarations is " I may be passive with my friends but I am NOT stupid" I hear it and see it but if you wanna talk shit about me then sucks for you because I probably won't do anything about it.

I have come to learn a few things about secrets or telling them:
There is always a time and a place, telling someone you know their secret can be very hurtful and calculating, and really unless you have killed someone, then why keep it quiet?! Own your actions and your thoughts.

In fact if you don't "gooossip" then I don't really like you too much- all SMUG with your nose in the air. A freaking hypocrite you are when all the sudden someone says something to you- its really easy to preach if you don't follow

So what is the point of all this typing today....well I have been watching and listening for a few weeks now- thinking...of something bright to say of something meaningful but I guess there isn't anything really. I know who is talking and telling secrets. I see through the quiet whispers, big hugs, and hurtful words to intentful eyes and perfect smiles.
I don't have to say it because I see it

The double side of me

So after a few hard weeks of work and learning and no play at all...I have realized a few hard lessons about life and myself. Some of which were only compounded by the fact that I just know myself and some that even though I am impeccably smart, were new lessons to myself.

I struggle with myself between my heart and my head. A piece of me wants to be funny and fun, irresponsible and well liked and the other side of me wants to be all serious and looked at professionally, responsible and someone who makes hard decisions, might be a little bit of a hard ass etc etc. But over all, I think I want both and on top of everything to ultimately be respected! Its not that hard. I have put together a list of little "epiphany moments"

1. I have been through tragedy. Hard core BS tragedy that took my moms life and left me swimming in a ship wreck with sharks. I know better but I still let little things bring me to an ultimate stress level--- I don't know why but I think it has to do with my urge to be a "perfect person" that if things aren't simple, it stresses me out- DUMB! I have to get some control over my stress levels, because one its not good for the heart and 2. if I keep stress eating mounds and mounds of wheat thins at work, my tummy is only going to get softer, and bigger again - and NO THANK YOU!
2. When you stick up for yourself and stop being the ultimate enabler, that people take notice and will listen to your point, and SOMETIMES even concede. I was always told that I should be a lawyer but Eh
3. I am a lady dammit! So even though, I have 3 brothers, can take a dirty joke, be stubborn, and fight like a man. I am a lady. SO please, Never be late, don't text me all early in the am and expect anything from me and just know that I want to be pursued, I am not into being the pitcher. Throw me a ball and I take a chance that it I hit a home run and not a line drive.
4. People are out for themselves, so why shouldn't I be? Egomaniacs, people who hide behind their children, people who only care about money, you suck! but you don't bother me.
5. I am going great places in this world. It makes me think of a book that Kelly and Tim love got me for my graduation "Oh the places you'll go"- by Dr. Suess. I always thought of these books as fun rhyming words but read the book. I am going to be more amazing than I am now. I know this so watch out world because I am a pretty cool
6. I love love love Karaoke. So I have realized that I don't need to "get professional" I really just need to have fun with it. I love show tunes and choir songs - Ima dork I know this
7. I am surrounded by really great people ---but I gotta let them in.
8. Sometimes I move to fast for others. Its OK....I know this about myself. But I should slow down a bit
9. I am smart! and business savoy. Therefore, I can have a voice and make sound decisions. I know this and others are noticing too- this is pretty cool
10. I can be both of what I listed above. Just like my mom- something I swore I would never be....I bought my grandma a gift last night and I said to Gigi "she will say this is something your mom would buy me"

Overall, this ridiculous few weeks has been good. Good for me. Boring for my social life. But what I have learned is exponential! So now to pack in some fun before I go to Cali for school this summer and maybe I shouldn't plan trips to the zoo and catalina Island and the OC...cause school is work but maybe I will go to the zoo and the islands and maybe even Disney Land.

:)

Queen Bees

The Queen Bee....She sits and all the worker bees do her bidding. Bringing her honey, pollinating her, serving her working for her. That damn bee gets everything. She has the life. Everybody wants to be her....at the end of the day, she dies. She is born to die.

At least this is how I think the queen bees' life works out. I think she is born to do all this and then sacrifice it at the end of her cycle. I could be totally wrong though. I just don't feel like googling it.

I like to think of myself as the Queen Bee. At the top, people love me, I am hard working, dedicated, there for all the "workers" etc etc....and then I die. I fly straight into a windshield and my reign is over. I always say "Lets face it, if I don't like you, then no one will" and this statement has remained true- Sure some might have tried to challenge it but they see the truth in the end. My intuition NEVER fails me....it always steers me in the right direction...I might play with you for awhile like another insect I like to call a black widow....BUT in the end the result is still the same.

It takes a lot to be at the top. You do so much to get there so you can finally sit back and watch everyone else work and just go on some vacay and have a little fun....maybe with boys. But at the end of the 11 hour work day, you have been battered and beaten. The sounding board for all the problems, the drama, the crazy. The stress of everyone else becomes yours and you spend your day putting out fires, then suddenly its 8:00 and your realized you have narcolepsied out once a freaking gain. FML.

Screw being the queen bee- I think I would rather be a worker bee and have some fun, come into work late, or tipsy, have exciting weekend stories or great vacay rest...at least worker bees can truly be proud of what they have done!

But I am relentless and I have turned my life into the Queen Bee. So does being on the top actually mean you are always on the bottom- those damn bottom feeders always get my goat. It makes me angry. I can not stand people who come to do things at the minimum or be lackadaisical. I am the queen bee SO if I am putting 11 hours in then you should too. Dont spit in my face and then swindle my money from my hand...Its pretty easy actually.

I am kind, and understanding, easy to get along with (which when most people say this, it means they can be difficult) but not me-HAH! I just have high expectations and if you wanna be a lazy shit, then go somewhere else because I dont have time for "dips".

Please come thinking your are a queen bee every day- remember it really means you are gonna bust your ass, work hard, and clean up your own mess. I have no tolerance for spoiled adults. How wonderful for your spoiled life must be to come and go as you please, to have full weekends. Well guess what we all have full weekends but we are here making sacrifices and giving up shopping days with our friends to do what needs to be done. What a slap in the face to take someone for granite.

Well here is a little secret about me, once you take me for granite. I peace out like a bad scene. No Soup for you, No pass go, No spankie spankie funny business. Its over - like a bad relationship that should have never started.

Its not that hard to be supreme. Why don't more people want to push themselves? I just dont get it....is it our "new" legislation? that has made it completely OK for people to tap out when they hit mediocre? Or is it really that there are two types of people in this world? Left brain/ right brain, type A/ type B, extroverted/ introverted, intrinsic/ extrinsic, sane/ crazy? Well that could play a role in it. Why some people get along better with others or work better with others. Huh?

SO really are the Queen Bees of this world, really the popular mean girls of the high school that everyone wants to be like? or fears.... Or the nice, passive, motivated worker? Maybe a little of both.

Even though the Queen has such a lucious life...she must be alone. No one there she can really trust or count on. No one there to make her smile....

At least I am blessed with Wonderful friends, families, and co- workers that give me a belly laugh at least once a day and I can trust, to truly be there in a pinch when I need my honey fix. Or to cover for me for an hour, while I get poked by needles at the doctor- really why does it ALWAYS feel like the worst pain ever...one of the only things that will bring me to tears. Thank God for Felicia...shes kick ass.

In the end being the Queen Bee is nice MOST days :) But maybe for now I am OK with just being a princess bee...HAh yea right

It's Sunday already?!

All week I have been thinking A LOT...Almost too much for my own head and its been driving me a bit nuts.

I continuously think where the heck are all my friends, then I make plans and half of me just wants to sit in bed and watch TV. I know that its not them, its me. Well in most cases anyway.

I haven't seen any of my besties in a long while. Sure we text a how was your day here and there but its just not the same - sure we facebook but really who the heck facebooks their best friends...kinda sad really. Not having any social contact with people your age makes you drained. I spend my day with children and with their parents and somedays, well most days it makes me bonkers. There are quick moments that make me laugh, and the smiles from Kadence and Kylie in the am help me get through my day. Or at a birthday party, watching the children laugh and play on the water slides- alone in their own little worlds just trying to figure things out and having a blast doing it. These moments make me smile.

And then, I receive a chance to see some of my besties. It only takes a moment to snap me out of my funk when I am with them. Hanging out at their work on a low key Saturday or a late night phone call, these mean the world to me!! Its so great when you talk to an oldie but a goodie. Its like time has never lapsed and even though you haven't
spoken in a month really, you get the gist of their life in these text messages, so when you do see each other, you can still get all the juicy "gossip" of their world, or have some really meaningful conversations OR just a hug. That little bit of love centers me for a sec. sometimes its just a sec but its there and then I feel sane again.

I lead a complicated life. Full of stress and pain and yuckiness but in those moments when it rains glitter those are good moments.

Im nostalgic for some aspects of the past-- but we can never go back and really we shouldn't. I am hopeful for the future and what it will bring. Hopefullhy something in there that lets me calm down. All we need from our friends is a little support and love and if you give you should get it. I miss a few of my besties...the ones out of my life but they are doing their own things and I guess I gotta deal.

GLEE!

Ever wonder to yourself...."How in the heck did I get here?"

I do ALL the time, especially during AM times when people are continuously late- ITS RUDE!! My time is important....I am 99% never late, in fact I am almost chronically early- don't do it to me- its so rude and a disregard of another persons time and importance...Side note: If you would like to stay on my good side, be on time, be polite, follow through, text or respond back to an email...even if it a NO thank you, and don't ever start taking me for granite (end of side note). And as these late arrivals have me walking back and forth and back in forth, their snippy little comments of "We are part of Ms. Laurens work out plan" really make me feel great and happy...its not funny and FYI- I have been up since 4:30 and at the gym already this morning and got to work 20 minutes early to set up and people are feeling on time at 9:30 in the morning...MUST be nice With that being said, I sit and wonder, how did I get here? How did I diverge so far from my dreams of being a Talk Show Host, A ballerina, And a world traveling (HOT) mom with my kids...Kinda like Angelina but I wouldn't lack and morality issues or ethics to be SO self serving - like she appears to be. The past few days in the office, I have been listening to Pandora...Disney show tunes and Sound of Music songs, mostly because anything else would be inappropriate- which I am constantly reminded of being- un lady like and inappropriate. But personally I really love Disney songs, Sound of Music etc....I can sing to almost all of them, Pocahontas, Sleeping Beauty, Tarzan, Beauty and the Beast and MOST definitely The Little Mermaid. :) I love to sing- and I am pretty good at it too, if I do say so myself. I spent many years in choir, and church choir, and school choir, I just loved music and singing. I loved the expression. I still do. People tell me, you should go on American Idol (barf), why don't you sing more?, sing to me.....Well I would but then you would fall in love with me...haha- gross...but PS I swear I can sing like Beyonce and Christina, and totally have the attitude to be like one of them....Christina's voice with Beyonces style with Christina's shock factor and Beyonces glamor...If you didn't know it, that is me... So then I watch "Glee" and it makes me totally fall in love with performance all over again....and I never really understood that choir kids were considered geeks.....I love this show so much...it makes me want to follow my dreams...the real ones I had as a child- to be a singer. So while I am at the gym, doing my arm crunch things- listening to Carrie Underwood- singing along in my head, I really just want to break out and sing out loud using the weight as my microphone - " hes a blue eyed cowboy Casanova, hes a heart breaking sooommething" I don't know all the words YET but I don't and mainly because I am in public and that's sort of embarrassing... I wouldnt mind doing it if I had Gigi or Ashley were there with me...I am not really a subtle person unless I am by myself and then I like to be quietly bold, the type of girl who says everything even when saying nothing :) Anyway, so I sit here an wonder how did I get here...not Here here- but here, in the corporate world, in the business mind, in the 9- 5 but more like 7:30-5, work my fingers to the bone, married to work, very proper vs. improper, very appropriate vs. inappropriate, reliable, black and white, suit, heels, kinda world...a bland boring black and white world. I love love love my job and my purpose but sometimes I just need to stretch my wings and get some color. Some bold color...
Some days I want get out and go to the beach and just jump in the waves, put some random color in my hair, wear blue eyeliner, or my zebra heels or wear them together. Even though I can do "Proper, snooty, exclusive" REALLY really WELL, it gets boring and maybe just maybe I SHOULD just sing some karaoke - Christina, Beyonce style....