To re learn to sew

My mom used to ask me all the time, " Don't you remember anything good from your childhood? Can't you just let it go?" I would always say "nothing I remember nothing good"

As I sit here, in my "new" world, away from my family and friends, away from the people who know "my crazy" my ins and outs...I sit and try and be on my best behavior, to not make a snippy comment back to really rude comments or just pure ignorance, anyone who knows me and my big mouth, must understand my turmoil.

I am on a completely new path in a way. Finally, I am able to see past the past, and start to see a clear picture of the future. This is not an epiphany moment but a series of memories that I am remembering - I am starting to feel like instead of running for the past 3 years, I can just walk, I can see other than what is directly around me and start to see past the "drama"

All of my "ah hah" moments in class, seem so easy to complete. It allows me to realize and appreciate...SO to learn to sew.

When we got our assignments about making materials and aids for the children in an infant community, I thought - AWESOME! No biggie- I can do it. So I start to cut my fabric. Joking that my moms biggest sewing accomplice was the hot glue gun- and that is no joke, I can use that thing back and forth with no issue! I pinned my fabric cut it, confused by it and then looked and a simple sewing machine- I got a lesson, and thought I can totally do this!

I began to push my fabric through on my maroon line that I drew ( easy right?!) then my first obstacle....its starts to curve, but my thread is going straight, OK, so I readjust, but it continues to do this over and over and over, then the needle gets jammed. In a moment of frustration, I said " I quit, I give up, I will just buy it" But with another lesson, I try again. My frustration is still building and I am starting to push back tears. I am thinking, I never learned to sew...She never taught me to sew...but this isn't true. I watched as my mom made us amazing costumes, dinosaurs, ballerinas, horses, witches, everything- anything we wanted. Then I remembered our cakes. Not just cakes but it was another world on top of this cake! A pre historic world of dinosaurs, a cloudy home for Care Bears, a race car track, a star track universe or an ACTUAL 3 - D barbie doll cake! Who's mom can do that? So I am done, with my "Toppinchino" a large flat pillow, hold it up, and look at the crooked lines and think in my head, " MY poor future baby...has to lie on this ugly lopsided toppinchino- its not soft enough, its not straight, its not plump enough, my poor baby that I don't even have yet!, how am I going to do this? How am I going to be a mom?" I don't know how to do anything!! Sure I can pour money into a child, buy them cute things, But I can't even sew a damn pillow!" I've lost my maternal instinct, my natural ability to care for children because I can't even do the most basic of things. I need to learn how to be lady I guess, not that my mom was the every day woman. She worked very hard at her business, she was very into sports and she was creative an artist and pleaser....I kills me. It kills me what she went through, What I put her through, how some of her so called friends treated her. It kills me. The hardest part is it that I won't get to finish the cycle--- I won't get to complete this cycle. I will have to forever, learn to do things on my own, won't get my link, not have that connection anymore. (I know a pity party here)

I wanted to cry at that moment, watching all these women in my class, some moms, some not, some who have less knowledge than me and think its not fair, I don't have a mom to show me these things. It sucks! Instead of calling my mom every night. I call my grandma- my wonderful grandma. I think one of the reasons she sent me here is so that I could learn how to do these things for myself.

I packed my things, I went home and didn't look at it. So I put on my shoes, I started my walk down my first goal, the steep hill, then I started to walk up my second goal, the steeper hill, then I started run it. Just for a few short seconds, but I jogged, I breathed heavy, I wanted to cry. I went back to my room and picked up this toppinchino and thought, I am going to dominate this thing! I am going to learn to sew. I just have to remember what I watched as a young girl. A happy memory something that came back, when I let something nasty out of my head, something bad, something sad. I de- threaded everything I didn't like, and I went for it. I did it! Its still not perfect but my special little future child wont have to lay on a lopsided toppinchino anymore.

My next task was the Gnocchi balls, how hard is it to sew a piece of thread through a Styrofoam ball...harder than you think. But I will do it. Maybe with a little hot glue.