Today - well this evening it hit me. I walked into Lauren's new apartment and it was so pretty and put together and I thought to myself. WTF? I have to go home to AZ, its hot, and busy, and full of work and no play. An overwhelming sense of the stress called my life came rushing back that suddenly disappeared when I traveled 300 miles away from my life.
This summer I embarked on a small journey to San Diego, to get some training so I can be a teacher. This has been the plan since my mom passed away. To get my degree, then my teacher training, then my masters, and I guess a family in the middle somewhere...but everyone keeps saying that will happen when you least expect it. Well I sure as heck hope not because I think my family would slaughter me- even though I am not 18 I am respectable.
I made my brother drive me here in promises I would take him to the Zoo, the poor thing was SO sick but sucked it up like a champ, I dropped him off at the airport and then again I realized, OH MA GOD, I am alone... Here in a new place with a GPS, that I don't know how to listen too alone. This feeling of alone has been with me for awhile now, A lone soldier, one who has to rely on herself, to take care of the bills, clean the house, and still look semi acceptable to work my 9- 5 which is more like a 7 - 6. I started to freak out (silently) and went back to my dorm- 7 years of college - YES 7, and I never put myself in the dorm life- I always had a home of my own, my own space, my own things, me. Alone, the way I like it. I got to my dorm and opened the door and there she was my new friend. Hi Im Lauren, Im Lauren and instantly I knew this would be a cool summer.
Then the course starts. This course promises a few things. An education, hard work, Knowledge, and a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly , a cub to a lioness, a Pinocchio to a real boy or however you want to think of it but a transformation of some sort into a whole person. I didn't think much of the transformation as much as I thought of how to get the work done efficiently, well written, and done quickly, like how things need to be done in my world. Swiftly, correctly, beautiful, and with no excuse for failure- quality, something to be proud of. Which of course it was, with the occasional trip to Newport, or visit from the BFF, the work I do is always great I know this. The "transformation" however, I guess will come in steps, I don't wanna look for it, I just want it to be.
This summer has been a time of not only hard work, but of reflection and healing. Of having to do what my mother always told me to do and that is to "let go". I control everything, or at least everything has a sense of structure, and control, consistency, and quote un quote boringness, I do well with regimen. The organization of this course, has had to force me to go with the flow a little bit more and make me wait for things. I have had to be okay with the fact that I can not ask my mom about my babyhood, was I breast fed, when did I walk, when did I talk, were you happy when you were pregnant with me. Something Larry (my proud poppa) would also have no knowledge of. I have added 2 more friends to the mom/dad passed away club bringing my total to 6. 6 people who know how shitty it is. You don't even have to say anything just eye contact and they freaking get it. Its something you almost want to share in silence. And on top of this, I have made a bunch of new friends, and of course, have logged even more smartness into this brain of mine ( :) ) I always knew that I would be a fun mom, or a good mom or just mom but now I know I can be a wonderful parent if I work hard at what is best for my future kiddos. People need to get the difference between being a mom/dad and a parent. They are one in the same and two completely different things. And I highly recommend getting over your own emotional turmoil before bringing a child into this world.
So back to My hot mess of a reality check...Lauren (not me the other one) has this beautiful grown up apartment. I had my own house once, but due to circumstance of my old life as an enabler, I gave it up. But now I think its time for a new house. Another little thing I saw today. In La Jolla in the starbucks, every single person was in a business suit, probably living in a million dollar home and probably even in this economy walking around with bags and bags of cash, now this IS an assumption other than the business suit part, but its time for me to up my wardrobe game. Most days my hair is perfectly done (thanks to Gigi's wonderful hands and teachings) my forehead is full of my new favorite injectables and wrinkle less, and my skin is chemically peeled and microdermabraised to a really smooth texture, and the makeup- I am just good at makeup and on top of that this summer I hit my goal 100 lbs, then I got hungry and have to go back down another 5. FML but I do it to myself. So I will dress always (At least at work) as a business woman, I have a business degree why not dress to impress. I will NEVER look a day over 25 (hopefully) and I will not par take in anything that will condone giving myself cancer. I know that I was born with every cancer cell I will have but I am not going to help that shit metastasize.
I will be debt free- some freaking how, but I can do it so I will one day have bags and bags of cash.
I will take a few vacations to My Mexico.
I will try to be more social, go out a little bit more and be a tiny insy wincy bit more emotionally open. I DONT like this part. I protect myself. A rock, covered in steel, armed with a heat ray gun (these are real) but maybe just maybe I will stop ending things before they start and just go with the flow with out compromising myself here.
I will try to deal with my emotional turmoil so I can bring a healthy baby into this world and hopefully a husband before that well actually yes a husband before a baby and before I am 30...
I will continue to learn how to sew and cook and do all these "wifely" duties - funny thing is My brother will teach me to cook, if I pester him and I taught myself (basically) to sew.
I am sure a bunch of other stuff too but all these little decisions came to me in a quick 5 minute internal freak out! A list a long list of things to do.
I guess if you think about it, transformation doesn't just occur, it takes a lot of work and growth for that Caterpillar to turn into butterfly, cub into a lion and did Pinocchio turn into a real boy or did that whale eat him?!
So for a second I was like I am a hot freaking mess! I am a crazy cat lady (minus the cats) Sheizer!! but when I look at the hand I have been dealt, the blessings God has bestowed upon me, and the responsibility I have to my mom and the relationship we never got to heal, I think I have done pretty well for this road well taken.
SO..until next summer, its time to pack up, stop eating, start dieting, and get ready for the long haul, cause I have a feeling I have some serious butt to kick....especially my own chunky monkey!
Back to Reality...but not till Saturday
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