Im Bored

These words are coming out of my mouth more and more lately. I sometimes feel that I have nothing to stimulate me. My world consists of constant routine. Wake up, go to the gym, get dressed, go to work, go home, watch tv, go to sleep. This is definitely not what I had envisioned for my life.

I was going to travel....see the world, Rome, Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, I was going to find a hot, loving passionate man, and we were gonna travel and have babies, and change the world. One person at a time. Well that hasnt happened  yet. But I still have hopes that it will.

I look at all my "little loves" the young girls I used to hang around with at 21 when they were just little 18 year old babies. They are traveling, drinking, and living it up. I did that too but it was more of a state of shock from the death of my mother at 23. I went on a short 9 month sabbatical of my mind and went straight to crazy town. Crazy, I dont give a flying F, crazy, wild, tatted, piercing,  whats your name?, vegas crazy. But once again, reality hit and I realized I allowed certain people and situations in my life that I dont want in my life. SO I cut it out. Cut it out like a cancer, or a tumor or something that is so bad in your life that WILL kill, I cut it out. With a machetti. swift, fast, bloody. But never coming back. 

Today, I have a job, a good job, a good family business job, I am respected and liked. and Yet I am bored. I need something to do. BUT WHAT?! 

Going to the bars does not really appeal to me anymore...It sorta grosses me out. Young drunk kids, dirty, young gross wild. Not fun. Last night I dropped my brother and his friends off at the bar and as I waited to turn I saw 6 girls, young, tight tight dresses, showing off way too much leg, or a dress cut all the way down to their asses, all with heels and a little tiny belly pouch. I laughed to myself because one...it was 10pm and they were obviously walking towards a house party. 2. they were all walbling in their heels that were too tall and hard to walk into, and seeing their not large but prominent pooch of bellies, made me laugh because what is small now, wont be so small in a short year, and will become a problem when they are 24 and are really fat, not just "fat" and live in the gym like I do, to Sweat off that freshman 15....in my case freshman 50! I just sat their and laughed to myself...YOU DUMB girls....I knew how their night would end. One would puke, one would cry, one or two would hook up with a random...the night would be a disaster a drunk disaster....but the next day: They would sit around and giggle with each other and talk and be like
"it was so crazy fun" Sometimes I miss those days, but I think I enjoy being 100 pounds less and have a degree and a job. 

Still though I find myself bored...I am kinda mean because I am so bored...a little judgmental and in everyone else's business that I am starting to bother myself.  At the end of the day I just need a conclusion to how to figure my shit out! 

Everyday I still am pissed and cry and am really really angry and sad about my mom dying. That will never go away. I have come to realize and learn this. and ultimately accept it. Its a scar caused by a deep wound not a gun wound but a deep knife stabbed in the heart...Overall I survived it, so I should be pretty dang strong but still with a delicate heart.  AND on a total side note: just because I dont cry every 5 minutes....doesnt mean my feelings dont get hurt! 

Back to reality here...I need a plan. I dont have one yet. First step ---plan a trip.