support

Support is a big deal. Everyone needs somebody sometime...right?! Well its been another day of walking through the motions and feeling drunk because I can't remember what I did this morning! After going through a looong day of hard work, stress, brink of tears, and dealing with things that sometimes I feel no one else can grasp, I sit back and relax. Or at least I try too. The moment I leave work, I have another 20 tasks to single handedly to take care of. But who doesn't right?! At the high points of my stress limits, I wonder where is all of my support?! Who is going to listen to me...I don't even have time to use the bathroom because if the phone isnt ringing, the gate is calling, the children need some attention, or a co- worker is asking a question that they should obviously be able to answer themselves, but it still comes out of their mouth.

A little over 3 years ago, my mother passed away and a rush of life hit me like a brick wall. I feel as though I have been running non stop in order to catch up to all of the things I can not seem to finish.

Overall, life has been pretty overwhelming the past year. And then I look back and realize that it has been pretty overwhelming for the past 3 years, and the 3 years before that. I have always felt I walk a bit alone- surrounded by many people, leaving my print in every little corner I peak into but not really remembering what I have left behind...was it good? was it bad? was it embarrassing?....and most times, it is probably embarrassing- :) but at least it was a mark, a deep one.

I always feel like I support my people, my close friends, the ones I care about the most. At times, I MIGHT seem indifferent, however, I know that I need to let the people in my world, make their own decisions, this way they can figure it out on their own. So I would respectfully hope that this is what they would do for me. Instead, I receive so many "coulds", "shoulds", "you ares", "people knows" and its like leave me alone, let me figure it out...I will end my words with an obvious question mark if I WANT your opinion. I struggle with this because at the end of the day I know it always comes from the heart, but I can't help but wonder, why people think I am weak or absent minded. I can't help but wonder why with everything I do, I am not seen as someone they would want to be like.

I hear all the time, "your mother was"....This is when I want to scream- stop comparing me!! I am not her, and I can not fit into her shoes, I will try to do things well as she did but I can not be her. It is a painful thing to have a parent who let you do and be who you needed to be in order to figure out life, and then suddenly she is gone, and everyone else around you wants to swoop in and take over in these moments and add their motherly advice- but its not what I need. What I need is support. Sometimes, I would hope that the people around me can step into my shoes, and for a moment really feel how it is and truly understand. It makes me angry to have people want me to follow a path when there are no foot prints to lead it. Or when I feel they choose not to see that my mother was not replaceable, and I am not a fill in.

So as I sit in fester in my thoughts of anger and pity, I am reminded I have support. It comes through a text, or a smile, or a laugh between 3 co workers at the end of the day because of the ridiculousness that has happened around them! It comes in the moments of stories gawking as we share with each other laughing and while sitting on the couch with my brothers and cousins during a family dinner. It comes through a moment with my "sisters" (cousins) in a carport when she has the same "complaint" of reaching her breaking point that I do. Or from my laughter when I realize my little chick peas are asking me to go to a bar and not a retail store and that I have become old and boring...ha ha and now as I get even more "analytical" I see that support is not always in the walls or in the mid air in front of you but in the foundation. And I have a great foundation of people in my life. And then I get a reality check and realize maybe its not always about me....at least not today!