Puppy Love

Sunday-

me " I hate this house!!" Jay comes out of his room "what are you screaming about?!" me " I hate this house, I hate this dishwasher, the floors are dirty, the dishes are piled up in the sink AND there is an effin SNAKE sitting on my kitchen counter- why didn't you put it in the laundry room and not in the kitchen where I cook food?!- Jesus James, you have no sense of order! SNAKES are the devil, evil creatures the DEVIL!" James, "No I don't, and why are you being such a pain in my ass lately, WHY are you picking on defenseless creatures who you have NO knowledge of?" me "cause I am sick of doing everything on my own, I can't do it, I can't afford it! I pay the bills, buy the groceries, the cleaning supplies, and I folded your clothes! and don't think you are going to get seconds on dinner when I haven't even had firsts- I know that is why you came back in the kitchen and did you clean up Remi's crap?? I know that is why I am so sick right now! Give me some money....and come eat dinner I cooked for you and put the cheese away" End of conversation.

UGH!

In general, I tend to fall fast for the things I love and hate. It's either yes or no, a quick decision made based on intuition- to the extreme!! I either like you or dislike you, like it or dislike it, love it or hate it!! I don't like to be in the middle. So if you know me, if you really know me, then you get to see this side of me. The obvious emotions and feelings that I wear on my sleeve. My heart is definitely there too. When I find someone who interests me, I am all about him. But isn't that every person?

The past few weeks, with "my ugly" I like to call it. I have been doing a lot of thinking. And I start to wonder, if, this left or right thinking is doing more harm then good. As I look back at the past three years, I see how much I have grown and far I have come. Yet I also look to see where I am stagnant.

I think I tolerate a lot. I sit back passively for the most part if I do not want to talk about something or just let my friends tell me what they want to but I certainly have my list of "Absolutely Heck Nos" and I am not afraid to let anyone know about these. ha ha. I like a lot of women in my family (I think) put up with the big loads of crap and then snap on something really small, like for instance, not folding your own laundry or putting the toilet seat down. We definitely do not tolerate the little things in men. I wonder where this comes from. Even though, we have a family of women, I think like 70/30, we live in a world of men, in wolf caves. They are very strong men, who work with their hands, like things here not there, and are kind of non emotive. Therefore, we need men this way. Men, who will tolerate our "craziness" but also will put us in our place when need be- but he'd sure as hell not do it in public or else an argument will ensue.

I always knew by this age (26- yuck!!) I would be married and have a kid or two, and we would travel have a white picked fence, and go to church on Sunday- you know the norm :) and yet this hasn't happened yet...where the frick is my chariot huh? Why hasn't the perfect man come and knocked my door down?! I don't get it.....Maybe I am too picky. I had my friend tell me that and then I thought about her situation and thought HA...hunny your not picky enough! I just don't see myself settling. I don't want to have to tolerate my absolutely not list and then in 10 years blow up and walk away- its just not what I want. I also realize, while most of my friends were out dating, and making real relationships and connections or just good times, I was dealing with a major tragedy!! My mom had just passed away in a pinnacle part of my life and I had to deal with all of that. I was in no place to have anyone extra in my life. And yet I held on do tightly to any person that walked in my door. It's kinda disgusting actually. I went from a very strong, independent person, who had no problems, being alone, sleeping alone, shopping alone etc. etc. to this person who had to have someone there at every point of the day and the night. I didn't really mind who it was, as long as I didn't have to sit alone in my thoughts and ponder what the hell this life was for AND to figure out what the hell just happened in the 3 months prior. I clung on to a lot of different people and definitely burned some bridges- my only hope is that people judge me on what they know in their heart and not particularly on the Hot Mess they saw because that was not me- well it was but that was something I had to go through in order to get to this point that I am at- which in some sorts, I am very proud of! I made some really hard choices, and left behind a few things that still touch my heart but I am ready to move forward from that disastrous time...at least I think I am.

So puppy Love. Well it hits me fast and hard and I am totally obvious...but I also fall out of it fast and move quickly with out looking back and I have NO qualms about that....I really don't think any woman should- walk away ladies and do not look back, you can still care and remember but really you deserve better. I gush like a little school girl in junior high. Yesterday, my cousin, aunt and I went dress shopping for a wedding. I tried on prom dresses and felt like a junior in high school...I never really got that opportunity. I was so grateful I had them there- to do this ridiculous girlie thing. Back to puppy love. I am so over gushin' and crushin' but I absolutely will never settle for anything less than what I know I deserve or want. SO from a (not well remembered quote by Marylin Monroe) "If you can't love my at my worst, you definitely don't deserve me at my best."