shark den

Ever wanted to jump into a shark den? Who does...crazy people! Ever just been thrown into one? Sometimes I feel like I have. Surrounded by bottom dwellers looking for anything to stay afloat- feeling like a baby seal relying on basic instinct. And when I am forced to, I fight. I try and push out irrational scared thoughts and move solely on quick, tactical, precise, strategic movements and try to stay alive.

The only problem with this, is that at some point, I get tired and then the panic sets in. I start to become ugly. It is coming out full force right now. Very bitter and ugly. Scared and full of resentment and strife.

Sometimes now I wonder if I ever got out of the murky waters and then jumped back in. Once things in my world become calm, I tend to find more problems to tackle- or I create them in order to have some issue in my world. I am never comfortable when everything falls into place. I find myself doing things to create a little more excitement in my life. I need to see if I still bleed, if I still feel, If I am not completely numb from the tragedies that have seemed to allow me to be jaded. I want to let go, but then I feel that if I let one foot drop, everything else will fall, everything else will collapse. In the back of my mind, I know that if I did, the world would continue but would I....would I be able to keep it together?

I ask for advice, sometimes to only be bitten in the butt by things I am not ready to hear, but things I know I need too. And sometimes, I completely close myself off from it probably because I am stubborn.

I get challenged and I like it. Some try to tell me how difficult things will be and I try and match them. I think for myself that if I dont put too much pressure on a task it will come easy for me. Take school for instance, when my mother died, everyone (but my family) told me to quit, told me I wouldn't be able to handle it....BUT I didn't. I didn't listen- I finished 4 years of school in 2 and if I pushed myself even further, I could have had 4 degrees by now but I didn't want to make the effort. 1 was enough- Maybe I wasn't ready to be complete or close that chapter of my life. School sucks BUT we need it. It creates challenges and boundaries that allow us to defeat. It allows us to create success and not succumb to failure. It gives a purpose for a goal and motivation to meet our potential and challenge ourselves.

Today was another day filled with many busy moments - then silence, then busy, then silence. My day is never consistent. Dealing with parents and children. The children are so wonderful and innocent and sometimes funny but also, unnaturally or maybe naturally filled with anger- all they see is violence and it is our job to try and put some sense into their world. BUT how can I help guide these children to a pleasant thought, when most of the time I feel the same. I worry for them but mostly am hopeful. After I left work, I went to my Aunt and Uncles house for a going away party. The house was filled with our younger breed of cousins, mostly girls, 8 of them from 8 years old all the way down to about 2 months old. I watch them play joyfully and happy but even with them, they are not playing barbie or house, they are playing monster- a strong set of little girls. They will grow to be a strong set of wonderful women. Its not something that they will learn from us necessarily but something that is intertwined in their blood- they all stem from one strong woman- our Great Grandmother. She left this world with 97 years of experience. Its a lot to look up to but something that will come naturally to them. As I watch them, I wonder who will protect these little ladies from the external environment of this world? Their parents can only do so much to keep them safe before they want to jump into the shark den too. Then I look at my cousin, who will be going to Afghanistan with the US army (for the 2 or 3 tour), father of 5 with one on the way and know that he will be able to protect his little women, he is giving them a lesson that they will take forever. He is a man to be admired. He speaks with ease and confidence and even though he will go and put his life in danger, he is very calm in his discussion of "enemy opponents" He jumps into the shark den but for a purpose.

During these next few months, there are so many great things happening for the people around me. Then I will get my chance to take a break, go away and push my mind to excel in my life. I will not be stagnant. I will move forward and be one step closer to closure and to the next phase in my life.... I only wonder how long will I have to sit in murky waters with sharks, will I be able to wait it out?, Or will I weaken to the point of no return as these sharks nip at my knees at every moment. Will I find strength and courage or will I succumb?....Who am I kidding.... I know I will fight and win :)