Queen Bees

The Queen Bee....She sits and all the worker bees do her bidding. Bringing her honey, pollinating her, serving her working for her. That damn bee gets everything. She has the life. Everybody wants to be her....at the end of the day, she dies. She is born to die.

At least this is how I think the queen bees' life works out. I think she is born to do all this and then sacrifice it at the end of her cycle. I could be totally wrong though. I just don't feel like googling it.

I like to think of myself as the Queen Bee. At the top, people love me, I am hard working, dedicated, there for all the "workers" etc etc....and then I die. I fly straight into a windshield and my reign is over. I always say "Lets face it, if I don't like you, then no one will" and this statement has remained true- Sure some might have tried to challenge it but they see the truth in the end. My intuition NEVER fails me....it always steers me in the right direction...I might play with you for awhile like another insect I like to call a black widow....BUT in the end the result is still the same.

It takes a lot to be at the top. You do so much to get there so you can finally sit back and watch everyone else work and just go on some vacay and have a little fun....maybe with boys. But at the end of the 11 hour work day, you have been battered and beaten. The sounding board for all the problems, the drama, the crazy. The stress of everyone else becomes yours and you spend your day putting out fires, then suddenly its 8:00 and your realized you have narcolepsied out once a freaking gain. FML.

Screw being the queen bee- I think I would rather be a worker bee and have some fun, come into work late, or tipsy, have exciting weekend stories or great vacay rest...at least worker bees can truly be proud of what they have done!

But I am relentless and I have turned my life into the Queen Bee. So does being on the top actually mean you are always on the bottom- those damn bottom feeders always get my goat. It makes me angry. I can not stand people who come to do things at the minimum or be lackadaisical. I am the queen bee SO if I am putting 11 hours in then you should too. Dont spit in my face and then swindle my money from my hand...Its pretty easy actually.

I am kind, and understanding, easy to get along with (which when most people say this, it means they can be difficult) but not me-HAH! I just have high expectations and if you wanna be a lazy shit, then go somewhere else because I dont have time for "dips".

Please come thinking your are a queen bee every day- remember it really means you are gonna bust your ass, work hard, and clean up your own mess. I have no tolerance for spoiled adults. How wonderful for your spoiled life must be to come and go as you please, to have full weekends. Well guess what we all have full weekends but we are here making sacrifices and giving up shopping days with our friends to do what needs to be done. What a slap in the face to take someone for granite.

Well here is a little secret about me, once you take me for granite. I peace out like a bad scene. No Soup for you, No pass go, No spankie spankie funny business. Its over - like a bad relationship that should have never started.

Its not that hard to be supreme. Why don't more people want to push themselves? I just dont get it....is it our "new" legislation? that has made it completely OK for people to tap out when they hit mediocre? Or is it really that there are two types of people in this world? Left brain/ right brain, type A/ type B, extroverted/ introverted, intrinsic/ extrinsic, sane/ crazy? Well that could play a role in it. Why some people get along better with others or work better with others. Huh?

SO really are the Queen Bees of this world, really the popular mean girls of the high school that everyone wants to be like? or fears.... Or the nice, passive, motivated worker? Maybe a little of both.

Even though the Queen has such a lucious life...she must be alone. No one there she can really trust or count on. No one there to make her smile....

At least I am blessed with Wonderful friends, families, and co- workers that give me a belly laugh at least once a day and I can trust, to truly be there in a pinch when I need my honey fix. Or to cover for me for an hour, while I get poked by needles at the doctor- really why does it ALWAYS feel like the worst pain ever...one of the only things that will bring me to tears. Thank God for Felicia...shes kick ass.

In the end being the Queen Bee is nice MOST days :) But maybe for now I am OK with just being a princess bee...HAh yea right

It's Sunday already?!

All week I have been thinking A LOT...Almost too much for my own head and its been driving me a bit nuts.

I continuously think where the heck are all my friends, then I make plans and half of me just wants to sit in bed and watch TV. I know that its not them, its me. Well in most cases anyway.

I haven't seen any of my besties in a long while. Sure we text a how was your day here and there but its just not the same - sure we facebook but really who the heck facebooks their best friends...kinda sad really. Not having any social contact with people your age makes you drained. I spend my day with children and with their parents and somedays, well most days it makes me bonkers. There are quick moments that make me laugh, and the smiles from Kadence and Kylie in the am help me get through my day. Or at a birthday party, watching the children laugh and play on the water slides- alone in their own little worlds just trying to figure things out and having a blast doing it. These moments make me smile.

And then, I receive a chance to see some of my besties. It only takes a moment to snap me out of my funk when I am with them. Hanging out at their work on a low key Saturday or a late night phone call, these mean the world to me!! Its so great when you talk to an oldie but a goodie. Its like time has never lapsed and even though you haven't
spoken in a month really, you get the gist of their life in these text messages, so when you do see each other, you can still get all the juicy "gossip" of their world, or have some really meaningful conversations OR just a hug. That little bit of love centers me for a sec. sometimes its just a sec but its there and then I feel sane again.

I lead a complicated life. Full of stress and pain and yuckiness but in those moments when it rains glitter those are good moments.

Im nostalgic for some aspects of the past-- but we can never go back and really we shouldn't. I am hopeful for the future and what it will bring. Hopefullhy something in there that lets me calm down. All we need from our friends is a little support and love and if you give you should get it. I miss a few of my besties...the ones out of my life but they are doing their own things and I guess I gotta deal.

GLEE!

Ever wonder to yourself...."How in the heck did I get here?"

I do ALL the time, especially during AM times when people are continuously late- ITS RUDE!! My time is important....I am 99% never late, in fact I am almost chronically early- don't do it to me- its so rude and a disregard of another persons time and importance...Side note: If you would like to stay on my good side, be on time, be polite, follow through, text or respond back to an email...even if it a NO thank you, and don't ever start taking me for granite (end of side note). And as these late arrivals have me walking back and forth and back in forth, their snippy little comments of "We are part of Ms. Laurens work out plan" really make me feel great and happy...its not funny and FYI- I have been up since 4:30 and at the gym already this morning and got to work 20 minutes early to set up and people are feeling on time at 9:30 in the morning...MUST be nice With that being said, I sit and wonder, how did I get here? How did I diverge so far from my dreams of being a Talk Show Host, A ballerina, And a world traveling (HOT) mom with my kids...Kinda like Angelina but I wouldn't lack and morality issues or ethics to be SO self serving - like she appears to be. The past few days in the office, I have been listening to Pandora...Disney show tunes and Sound of Music songs, mostly because anything else would be inappropriate- which I am constantly reminded of being- un lady like and inappropriate. But personally I really love Disney songs, Sound of Music etc....I can sing to almost all of them, Pocahontas, Sleeping Beauty, Tarzan, Beauty and the Beast and MOST definitely The Little Mermaid. :) I love to sing- and I am pretty good at it too, if I do say so myself. I spent many years in choir, and church choir, and school choir, I just loved music and singing. I loved the expression. I still do. People tell me, you should go on American Idol (barf), why don't you sing more?, sing to me.....Well I would but then you would fall in love with me...haha- gross...but PS I swear I can sing like Beyonce and Christina, and totally have the attitude to be like one of them....Christina's voice with Beyonces style with Christina's shock factor and Beyonces glamor...If you didn't know it, that is me... So then I watch "Glee" and it makes me totally fall in love with performance all over again....and I never really understood that choir kids were considered geeks.....I love this show so much...it makes me want to follow my dreams...the real ones I had as a child- to be a singer. So while I am at the gym, doing my arm crunch things- listening to Carrie Underwood- singing along in my head, I really just want to break out and sing out loud using the weight as my microphone - " hes a blue eyed cowboy Casanova, hes a heart breaking sooommething" I don't know all the words YET but I don't and mainly because I am in public and that's sort of embarrassing... I wouldnt mind doing it if I had Gigi or Ashley were there with me...I am not really a subtle person unless I am by myself and then I like to be quietly bold, the type of girl who says everything even when saying nothing :) Anyway, so I sit here an wonder how did I get here...not Here here- but here, in the corporate world, in the business mind, in the 9- 5 but more like 7:30-5, work my fingers to the bone, married to work, very proper vs. improper, very appropriate vs. inappropriate, reliable, black and white, suit, heels, kinda world...a bland boring black and white world. I love love love my job and my purpose but sometimes I just need to stretch my wings and get some color. Some bold color...
Some days I want get out and go to the beach and just jump in the waves, put some random color in my hair, wear blue eyeliner, or my zebra heels or wear them together. Even though I can do "Proper, snooty, exclusive" REALLY really WELL, it gets boring and maybe just maybe I SHOULD just sing some karaoke - Christina, Beyonce style....

Puppy Love

Sunday-

me " I hate this house!!" Jay comes out of his room "what are you screaming about?!" me " I hate this house, I hate this dishwasher, the floors are dirty, the dishes are piled up in the sink AND there is an effin SNAKE sitting on my kitchen counter- why didn't you put it in the laundry room and not in the kitchen where I cook food?!- Jesus James, you have no sense of order! SNAKES are the devil, evil creatures the DEVIL!" James, "No I don't, and why are you being such a pain in my ass lately, WHY are you picking on defenseless creatures who you have NO knowledge of?" me "cause I am sick of doing everything on my own, I can't do it, I can't afford it! I pay the bills, buy the groceries, the cleaning supplies, and I folded your clothes! and don't think you are going to get seconds on dinner when I haven't even had firsts- I know that is why you came back in the kitchen and did you clean up Remi's crap?? I know that is why I am so sick right now! Give me some money....and come eat dinner I cooked for you and put the cheese away" End of conversation.

UGH!

In general, I tend to fall fast for the things I love and hate. It's either yes or no, a quick decision made based on intuition- to the extreme!! I either like you or dislike you, like it or dislike it, love it or hate it!! I don't like to be in the middle. So if you know me, if you really know me, then you get to see this side of me. The obvious emotions and feelings that I wear on my sleeve. My heart is definitely there too. When I find someone who interests me, I am all about him. But isn't that every person?

The past few weeks, with "my ugly" I like to call it. I have been doing a lot of thinking. And I start to wonder, if, this left or right thinking is doing more harm then good. As I look back at the past three years, I see how much I have grown and far I have come. Yet I also look to see where I am stagnant.

I think I tolerate a lot. I sit back passively for the most part if I do not want to talk about something or just let my friends tell me what they want to but I certainly have my list of "Absolutely Heck Nos" and I am not afraid to let anyone know about these. ha ha. I like a lot of women in my family (I think) put up with the big loads of crap and then snap on something really small, like for instance, not folding your own laundry or putting the toilet seat down. We definitely do not tolerate the little things in men. I wonder where this comes from. Even though, we have a family of women, I think like 70/30, we live in a world of men, in wolf caves. They are very strong men, who work with their hands, like things here not there, and are kind of non emotive. Therefore, we need men this way. Men, who will tolerate our "craziness" but also will put us in our place when need be- but he'd sure as hell not do it in public or else an argument will ensue.

I always knew by this age (26- yuck!!) I would be married and have a kid or two, and we would travel have a white picked fence, and go to church on Sunday- you know the norm :) and yet this hasn't happened yet...where the frick is my chariot huh? Why hasn't the perfect man come and knocked my door down?! I don't get it.....Maybe I am too picky. I had my friend tell me that and then I thought about her situation and thought HA...hunny your not picky enough! I just don't see myself settling. I don't want to have to tolerate my absolutely not list and then in 10 years blow up and walk away- its just not what I want. I also realize, while most of my friends were out dating, and making real relationships and connections or just good times, I was dealing with a major tragedy!! My mom had just passed away in a pinnacle part of my life and I had to deal with all of that. I was in no place to have anyone extra in my life. And yet I held on do tightly to any person that walked in my door. It's kinda disgusting actually. I went from a very strong, independent person, who had no problems, being alone, sleeping alone, shopping alone etc. etc. to this person who had to have someone there at every point of the day and the night. I didn't really mind who it was, as long as I didn't have to sit alone in my thoughts and ponder what the hell this life was for AND to figure out what the hell just happened in the 3 months prior. I clung on to a lot of different people and definitely burned some bridges- my only hope is that people judge me on what they know in their heart and not particularly on the Hot Mess they saw because that was not me- well it was but that was something I had to go through in order to get to this point that I am at- which in some sorts, I am very proud of! I made some really hard choices, and left behind a few things that still touch my heart but I am ready to move forward from that disastrous time...at least I think I am.

So puppy Love. Well it hits me fast and hard and I am totally obvious...but I also fall out of it fast and move quickly with out looking back and I have NO qualms about that....I really don't think any woman should- walk away ladies and do not look back, you can still care and remember but really you deserve better. I gush like a little school girl in junior high. Yesterday, my cousin, aunt and I went dress shopping for a wedding. I tried on prom dresses and felt like a junior in high school...I never really got that opportunity. I was so grateful I had them there- to do this ridiculous girlie thing. Back to puppy love. I am so over gushin' and crushin' but I absolutely will never settle for anything less than what I know I deserve or want. SO from a (not well remembered quote by Marylin Monroe) "If you can't love my at my worst, you definitely don't deserve me at my best."

shark den

Ever wanted to jump into a shark den? Who does...crazy people! Ever just been thrown into one? Sometimes I feel like I have. Surrounded by bottom dwellers looking for anything to stay afloat- feeling like a baby seal relying on basic instinct. And when I am forced to, I fight. I try and push out irrational scared thoughts and move solely on quick, tactical, precise, strategic movements and try to stay alive.

The only problem with this, is that at some point, I get tired and then the panic sets in. I start to become ugly. It is coming out full force right now. Very bitter and ugly. Scared and full of resentment and strife.

Sometimes now I wonder if I ever got out of the murky waters and then jumped back in. Once things in my world become calm, I tend to find more problems to tackle- or I create them in order to have some issue in my world. I am never comfortable when everything falls into place. I find myself doing things to create a little more excitement in my life. I need to see if I still bleed, if I still feel, If I am not completely numb from the tragedies that have seemed to allow me to be jaded. I want to let go, but then I feel that if I let one foot drop, everything else will fall, everything else will collapse. In the back of my mind, I know that if I did, the world would continue but would I....would I be able to keep it together?

I ask for advice, sometimes to only be bitten in the butt by things I am not ready to hear, but things I know I need too. And sometimes, I completely close myself off from it probably because I am stubborn.

I get challenged and I like it. Some try to tell me how difficult things will be and I try and match them. I think for myself that if I dont put too much pressure on a task it will come easy for me. Take school for instance, when my mother died, everyone (but my family) told me to quit, told me I wouldn't be able to handle it....BUT I didn't. I didn't listen- I finished 4 years of school in 2 and if I pushed myself even further, I could have had 4 degrees by now but I didn't want to make the effort. 1 was enough- Maybe I wasn't ready to be complete or close that chapter of my life. School sucks BUT we need it. It creates challenges and boundaries that allow us to defeat. It allows us to create success and not succumb to failure. It gives a purpose for a goal and motivation to meet our potential and challenge ourselves.

Today was another day filled with many busy moments - then silence, then busy, then silence. My day is never consistent. Dealing with parents and children. The children are so wonderful and innocent and sometimes funny but also, unnaturally or maybe naturally filled with anger- all they see is violence and it is our job to try and put some sense into their world. BUT how can I help guide these children to a pleasant thought, when most of the time I feel the same. I worry for them but mostly am hopeful. After I left work, I went to my Aunt and Uncles house for a going away party. The house was filled with our younger breed of cousins, mostly girls, 8 of them from 8 years old all the way down to about 2 months old. I watch them play joyfully and happy but even with them, they are not playing barbie or house, they are playing monster- a strong set of little girls. They will grow to be a strong set of wonderful women. Its not something that they will learn from us necessarily but something that is intertwined in their blood- they all stem from one strong woman- our Great Grandmother. She left this world with 97 years of experience. Its a lot to look up to but something that will come naturally to them. As I watch them, I wonder who will protect these little ladies from the external environment of this world? Their parents can only do so much to keep them safe before they want to jump into the shark den too. Then I look at my cousin, who will be going to Afghanistan with the US army (for the 2 or 3 tour), father of 5 with one on the way and know that he will be able to protect his little women, he is giving them a lesson that they will take forever. He is a man to be admired. He speaks with ease and confidence and even though he will go and put his life in danger, he is very calm in his discussion of "enemy opponents" He jumps into the shark den but for a purpose.

During these next few months, there are so many great things happening for the people around me. Then I will get my chance to take a break, go away and push my mind to excel in my life. I will not be stagnant. I will move forward and be one step closer to closure and to the next phase in my life.... I only wonder how long will I have to sit in murky waters with sharks, will I be able to wait it out?, Or will I weaken to the point of no return as these sharks nip at my knees at every moment. Will I find strength and courage or will I succumb?....Who am I kidding.... I know I will fight and win :)

support

Support is a big deal. Everyone needs somebody sometime...right?! Well its been another day of walking through the motions and feeling drunk because I can't remember what I did this morning! After going through a looong day of hard work, stress, brink of tears, and dealing with things that sometimes I feel no one else can grasp, I sit back and relax. Or at least I try too. The moment I leave work, I have another 20 tasks to single handedly to take care of. But who doesn't right?! At the high points of my stress limits, I wonder where is all of my support?! Who is going to listen to me...I don't even have time to use the bathroom because if the phone isnt ringing, the gate is calling, the children need some attention, or a co- worker is asking a question that they should obviously be able to answer themselves, but it still comes out of their mouth.

A little over 3 years ago, my mother passed away and a rush of life hit me like a brick wall. I feel as though I have been running non stop in order to catch up to all of the things I can not seem to finish.

Overall, life has been pretty overwhelming the past year. And then I look back and realize that it has been pretty overwhelming for the past 3 years, and the 3 years before that. I have always felt I walk a bit alone- surrounded by many people, leaving my print in every little corner I peak into but not really remembering what I have left behind...was it good? was it bad? was it embarrassing?....and most times, it is probably embarrassing- :) but at least it was a mark, a deep one.

I always feel like I support my people, my close friends, the ones I care about the most. At times, I MIGHT seem indifferent, however, I know that I need to let the people in my world, make their own decisions, this way they can figure it out on their own. So I would respectfully hope that this is what they would do for me. Instead, I receive so many "coulds", "shoulds", "you ares", "people knows" and its like leave me alone, let me figure it out...I will end my words with an obvious question mark if I WANT your opinion. I struggle with this because at the end of the day I know it always comes from the heart, but I can't help but wonder, why people think I am weak or absent minded. I can't help but wonder why with everything I do, I am not seen as someone they would want to be like.

I hear all the time, "your mother was"....This is when I want to scream- stop comparing me!! I am not her, and I can not fit into her shoes, I will try to do things well as she did but I can not be her. It is a painful thing to have a parent who let you do and be who you needed to be in order to figure out life, and then suddenly she is gone, and everyone else around you wants to swoop in and take over in these moments and add their motherly advice- but its not what I need. What I need is support. Sometimes, I would hope that the people around me can step into my shoes, and for a moment really feel how it is and truly understand. It makes me angry to have people want me to follow a path when there are no foot prints to lead it. Or when I feel they choose not to see that my mother was not replaceable, and I am not a fill in.

So as I sit in fester in my thoughts of anger and pity, I am reminded I have support. It comes through a text, or a smile, or a laugh between 3 co workers at the end of the day because of the ridiculousness that has happened around them! It comes in the moments of stories gawking as we share with each other laughing and while sitting on the couch with my brothers and cousins during a family dinner. It comes through a moment with my "sisters" (cousins) in a carport when she has the same "complaint" of reaching her breaking point that I do. Or from my laughter when I realize my little chick peas are asking me to go to a bar and not a retail store and that I have become old and boring...ha ha and now as I get even more "analytical" I see that support is not always in the walls or in the mid air in front of you but in the foundation. And I have a great foundation of people in my life. And then I get a reality check and realize maybe its not always about me....at least not today!