After a year of only working, I decided that my degree wasn't good enough and I enrolled in school to get my AMI Montessori teacher training. This training has opened so many doors for me and has probably closed a few doors as well. With all my knew knowledge and understanding of children, I almost too eagerly shared my advice with the few mothers/ friends I knew at the time....needless to say "childless" me, apparently was not in the position to give child advice because of course I was childless and what did I know.?! Well I know a lot and I hate to break it to my haters but I am right most of the time. Back to the point at hand, I am packing up to move to California this summer and finish up my program.
I go through a purging stage every time I need to move, go on vacation or anywhere for more than a week at a time. I am in that phase now, I look through and throw away the clutter that I have been shoving in the corner and keep all the important things. As I am purging I came across the notes that children and parents have written me and it warms my heart. I also came across the pictures from my moms funeral. Most days, I do not like to rehash the horrible day that was March 1st, 2007 but something compelled me to pop in the CD of pictures and take a gander. Again, I am not to sure what possess me to do so, maybe the comments that are growing on me such as " your mom would be so proud of you", " you look more like her every day", "You do the work just as good as she does" ---- on a side note ladies, I hate to break it to you, but one day you will turn into your mother, hopefully you will not carry the same mistakes and burdons she did, but I am sure you will continue every single thing that annoyed you about her, because I know I fancy every single annoying thing that bothered me about my mom. I even write like her.
A lot has been going on these past few months. Work has been ridiculous but the saying is true "Hard work pays off", I have gotten some good news, and some bad news, with a promise of hope, and Libby had baby Charlotte. Now I love all my nieces equally, each of them is so wonderful in their own way. They are all fantastic little ladies and will be amazing women. Each of these girls reminds me of my mom. Kadence, is the light that reminded me that with death comes life, She came to us when my mom died, and saved my sanity, Kylie looks so much like her- its weird, her facial expressions and laugh, her jovialness, Clare just 2 months old, has her determination and worth ethic, I kid you not, I have never seen an infant work so diligently at the Montessori infant materials, and Charlotte, I haven't known her that long but she is just amazing. When I went home the day she was born, I started crying because I loved her so much. The tears could have been induced my exhaustion, but one thing I know is that she is pure love.
Back to the past few months, we met Clare and Charlotte, I have grown professionally and more. With every step I take, I receive more reminders of my mother. I have learned of friends who are ill. I have prayed to her and know she will watch over them as they get better. I have seen people from the past who send their love, I have a new sense of pride in what I am doing and I know she will be with me this summer too.
There has been a lot of joy. and with that a realization that life does go on. Some might think "Duh" but when you go through death, you go through something different. It's like your an orange and your peel is torn from you and your naked, and devoured by a human. Humans can be thoughtless and cruel, argumentative, and rude. I have come to know this too well. I have probably shelled some of it out. With this knowledge brings sadness. I think with some people, you do not want to realize that the world will continue spinning. As we sat in the hospital room to meet Charlotte, Libby's parents were there, her little girls, Nana, brother and the rest of the family, smiling, happy, and all marveling at this new little life. For a split second, I started to cry because I knew I would never have my mother there, physically with me when I have children. It will be an empty hole there, a spot waiting to be filled but never able too. My happiness from the situation was not diminished by any means but a solid tear ran down my face.
I think my purpose of this all is to help the people, friends, strangers, etc., who have not yet experienced the death of their mother, which they eventually will, is to give a sense of hope or understanding, or just a reinforcement, that when it happens, you are not alone in your thoughts. I once had a friend tell me "we need to fix you" My response was, "I am playing with the hand I was dealt and I can't change my cards in." There will be no need to fix you as you grieve, and as you learn to put your life back together. It is not a short lived process, but one that goes on forever. Now I am only 4 years deep and my wounds are still fresh. Sometimes I think that most of the people in my life have moved on quickly- too quickly but we all grieve differently. A traumatic experience can make you or break you and even though I certainly have my breaking points, I will be damned if this breaks me.
One tearful night, my youngest brother told me "Lauren, we have lost the most important thing in our life, so live life for what it is and enjoy it." What I took away from that is that we have seen the worst for us, therefore, the stuff that seems in the moment, isn't so bad in retrospect.
We are all going to have crappy days, bad friends, weirdo family, absolutely aggravating experiences, however, from a chapter in my moms own book, you have to "let it go."
Life will only stand still if you allow it too. To be able to "let it go" whatever it may be can be easier than you think, it can also be a horrible gut wrenching, and debilitating as yo go through it. But if I know one thing for sure, is that you will succeed at it, if you let yourself.
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