2 weeks down 5 to go

My second week in Southern California has come to an end and I have 5 weeks to go. I hate to say it but it was a little warm today. I really do not want to get acclimated so when I come back to AZ that its to darn hot!!
It is true when you don't have your family and close friends you are forced to venture out. Something that I have been doing almost every day. I have concurred a few fears and gotten some new ones and have made a new list of goals for myself.
The first one is to run up the hill - my nemesis. I will do it one day but I have to master walking up first. The second is to break my plateau and drop another 15 lbs....possible in 5 weeks? I don't know.
Third is to take up a new hobby and write more and to finish up most of my book that I will write. To learn all I can in school and get my masters when I get home to AZ.
We watched a film today- The miracle of Birth....After watching a baby crown out of a ladies goodie bits, and then seeing a doctor man handle a placenta I decided that even though I see myself with a family and want to get married and have babies, that I think I can wait a few years.
I have also really really learned the importance of parents. I have met another girl who lost her mother 3 years ago. She was young too and we bonded a little bit over it- I wonder if she has the same thoughts in her head that I have in mine. I sit in class and realize my mom gave me everything she had. I will always have the guilt of not mending back and becoming friends but literally time ran out.
People keep telling me- wait for your transformation just wait absorb....Well in many ways, I feel like I already have absorbed. I can always learn more but I think I have dealt with a ton of stuff most people my age hasn't or maybe they have but just in a different way.
So I am so pleased to be able to enjoy the weather and the beautiful campus here. I am glad that everyone is very nice and every single man smiles at me...holla hehe- I dont think I will ever get used to the the fact that it takes 10 minutes to travel 2 miles! Or that the freeways are dark and scary but I really enjoy learning and am excited to be back in school!!

a fresh start to smell the roses

Today...I traveled long and far to the good Ole City of San Diego to start my Montessori teacher training...with my 18 month younger brother Jay in Tow- driving me actually, we started our am very tired and a little irritated with the fact that we both were up super late due to some unforeseen drama but none the less this is my life...when would I really expect to have a calm, prepared trip, packed and ready to go with a great night of sleep before hand. That is all I wanted but didn't really get...I should have known better. It's not the calm, it's the calm before the STORM. None the less we got on our way- with no tickets from the PO PO...( knock on wood) I could really go with out seeing them again for a long time!

Then we got here! On my first real drive on the 5? I almost side swiped a car...really though they were following to close in the lane next to me...AND with the Garmin GPS thing yelling at me it was only fitting. I sort of felt like the scene in Clueless when D got on the freeway...screaming! Just imagine that coming out of Jays mouth. His neurotics made me laugh the whole day today!

Tomorrow I will start my lonely (hopefully not) stay at USD. The campus is so freaking pretty. I really think I was born to marry a hot Latino man who can build me an old rustic Hispanic home just like USD because seriously the architecture is for me!

A mom at the school told me to take a journal and write 5 things that I am grateful for. I will start my list here. Today I am grateful for a few things:

1. Jay is neurotic...it makes me laugh! BUT I better not get what he has or I will beat hi s neurotic ass...I'm feeling a little queezy now so i better go to bed.
2. GPS. Even though she screamed at me today I know she will save my butt this summer
3. the weather is beautiful...it is nice to be a little chilly and not sweat every waking moment of the day!
4. The worker at the gift shop. She let me know that the USD campus is VERY liberal and to keep my conservative thoughts to myself. Even though she agrees with ME!
5. This opportunity to get away and learn. Even though I have a degree and went through college, I never went away for school, I never lived in the dorms, or spent enough time on campus to enjoy it. I also never stopped to smell the flowers in college. I just did the work and did it well. but now I will get too- what an experience.
6. For Ms. Gigi....it is great to have a friend who thinks I am hilarious and vise versa, who helps me confirm my backbone, and supports me. just nice!
Tomorrow I am sure there will be more but today I just hope I didn't get the BUG!

Oh and that TARGETS are universal...gotta love a good Target trip even when you are rushed through with your brother...not such a fun trip but none the less I got the low down of my new favorite target.

Things I wont feel bad about!!

So after another eventful day....i have come to some more conclusions! wow....here are a few things I will never feel bad for! 1. that I am blessed and have a good family. We may be big, loud and all over the place but my family always has my back and that will never change. 2. That I have nice things. I work very very hard for my things. I got my degree and pay my way. I see something I want and I get it. I wont feel bad about being successful. Everyone can have it- you just gotta apply yourself. 3. That my family helps me. My family is the best. They worked very hard for what they have and they want to share it. Not only material but lessons to. My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles have instilled many important traits and I am proud to be where I am. 4. That I am a lady. I like that I will walk away from drama that I dont need. Dont get me wrong you want to call me a Bitch and those are fighting words but I will walk away from crap that I dont need. 5. I wont feel bad that I wake up early and fall asleep at a reasonable hour. I wake up at 5 and go to the gym....people think this is crazy..but guess what people I have lost almost 100 lbs and I am freaking PROUD! Have a met my goal? not yet but I am well on my way 6. That I will succeed even when people doubt me. Its OKAY be jealous......but PLEASE dont think because I have it good now that my life has not been full of pain......I should not have to struggle just because other do. FYI two weeks after my moms funeral I was back in classes and had a 3.9 GPA in 7 classes....please try and tell me that this is not "hard" to have to fight with the grief, shock, and tragedy and on top of this plan a funeral and realize I lost my mom....and then on top of that fight with teachers who will not let me take finals, and fight with ASU to get my moms degree for her AND fight with the medical board for mal practice...F- U....my life has not been easy, it has not been a walk in the park and I have stuggled. 7. I will not be ashamed or feel shamed that I went to private school. Again my parents and grandparents worked hard to send me to private school. I received a great education, manners, faith, and much more... 8 8. I am a professional. There is something to be said about this. No I dont wear torn clothes to work, or think its okay to cuss in the office or befriend my clients.....its not professional- its OKAY. 9.That I am not a hypocrite. 10, That I will not settle for a man, who yells, beats, puts me down or doesnt love and care for me the way I am.....I dont accept that from my friends, family or strangers SO why would I do this for my husband. 10. .....I am still thinking The only thing I wish is that people would not judge me. Mind your business!

why struggle if you dont have to. Why because in other peoples minds I have not had as hard as them do I have to be brought down?! I dont get it. And please dont forget when you hurt me....because of whatever reason and you are/were my moms friend you are hurting her.....She may be in Heaven but she watches over me and she sees what is happening and only she and God will get to judge you when you die. So sit on that for a second. Dont treat me like shit because I am how I am. My mom made me this way- she taught me- and I am who I am because of her....in her life and her death. I am not perfect, I am not devoid of feelings. I have a wall for a reason and I shelter my pain to survive. I stress because I want things to be perfect for her. And they wont be but this is my path to follow. I will walk it and you probably cant fit in my shoes so suck it. I am 26 I dont need to be shamed. I need to be supported and if you truly can not do this from the bottom of your heart then dont worry about what I get or dont get, or what I do or dont do. BUT for sure never doubt me because I will surpass and succeed and I will always be one step ahead. I have faced one of the worst things I will ever face in my life and I wish to God that others dont have to feel this pain but I know you will.....everyones mom dies. I just hope you dont have to feel it the way I did. I hope you dont have to make the choices I did. I hope you dont have to face your fears when your only weapon are your tears. I just pray to God, that you can step back and remember who you were and where I am going. I am hurt today....but I sure as hell wont be made to feel bad about where I am going and what I am doing. Worry about yourself and mind your business. God gave me my life for a reason, and its not yours to worry about- maybe you should look into your soul and judge yourself and leave mine out of your head. It probably wont bug you as much.

I used to be the best at keeping secrets. Everything IN and nothing OUT. Then one day I don't know what happened....I think my mouth exploded. People say a lot about "Secret tellers" AKA "Gossipers" mostly that they are bad, boring, negative, have nothing better to say, but I think a little differently- I think that the secrets that I have had to store away in this noggin of mine have been so colossal that I know what is important and what is not. I often get told or asked, "whats wrong with you? Are you Okay? "why do you look so angry?" When really I am fine, I am OK and well I am just listening really really intently. I might brush it off because I just dont care or have time for it but I am listening. One of my biggest declarations is " I may be passive with my friends but I am NOT stupid" I hear it and see it but if you wanna talk shit about me then sucks for you because I probably won't do anything about it.

I have come to learn a few things about secrets or telling them:
There is always a time and a place, telling someone you know their secret can be very hurtful and calculating, and really unless you have killed someone, then why keep it quiet?! Own your actions and your thoughts.

In fact if you don't "gooossip" then I don't really like you too much- all SMUG with your nose in the air. A freaking hypocrite you are when all the sudden someone says something to you- its really easy to preach if you don't follow

So what is the point of all this typing today....well I have been watching and listening for a few weeks now- thinking...of something bright to say of something meaningful but I guess there isn't anything really. I know who is talking and telling secrets. I see through the quiet whispers, big hugs, and hurtful words to intentful eyes and perfect smiles.
I don't have to say it because I see it