Obessions

Ever feel like when you become obsessed with something you just talk about it all the time? I guess obsession goes hand in hand with discussing it in every moment of ever day.....I tend to bitch about it. I am more obsessed with the shit than anything good right now. boo hoo on me.

Today I had a pretty selfish thought...if I could I would have pulled my mom from heaven today. Pretty selfish. I just want to talk to her. OR have her take care of all the little things I find fault in. I wanna tell people " its not about accepting change, its probably accepting death" Maybe I walked into my situation to have a constant reminder of that pain. Or just to do something for her finally to give her something back.

what is racking my brain, is some of her last words to me is " I am worried for you, I am worried you will follow my path----dont follow my path" I have prided myself on not doing so. And yet hear I am. Happy with it but in a constant fear that I am in her path. Getting walked over, being passive, being unhappy and stressed and ultimately have my bodied riddled with cancer taking my life suddenly wrenching me from this world and maybe leaving everyone a little pissed off because its a big F U. But I dont think she worked like that. Shes not the F U type. Me on the other hand...yep thats me.

SO I have become obsessed with a lot of things. First on my list: NOT AGING . Its been confirmed in my head. A tummy tuck, botox and maybe a arm tuck....the others I am not so sure about yet but this is confirmed. I dont care about the monetary cost. My second obsession. Not getting cancer. This is a tough one because sugar and stress my two other addictions are big triggers of cancer...but what to do? walk away from both?! Thats like going cold turkey into a war zone. NO THANK YOU. My third obsession: Living for me. This has been hard because overall I have the enabler gene in myself. Giving to others before myself. Feeling guilty treating myself to anything really. Working for others all the time---and people call me lazy?! Well F U. Obsession 4: Not really giving a crap if people dont like me. Thats your problem- get over it. I dont know why people hate on me but really?! I dont care anymore.fourth obsession..seriously making my CD...singing all songs...good songs.

Obsession....Its almost as bad as a real addiction. (Which I fully believe is mind over matter....of course until you allow yourself to become physically dependent on something) Time consuming, exhausting, plotting, drama, twists and turns, plans, broken plans, expensive. Makes you sick and consumed. I guess I am obsessed then.

I dont really see the problem however, to take one hour in the morning for myself. No phone no people no distractions. JUST me well and my bff...one of them at least. but that is a good stability. Then the 4 hours at home before I fall asleep- most the time involuntarily. The rest of the day...its yes mam, what can i get you, how may i help you, yes I can do that, yes, yes, yes, yes, NO but yes. run run run....back to all this running. Still running....3 years and still running. out of breath, out of energy.....If I could just shake the people who have forgotten or who to me have forgotten. Maybe I want to pull some glass from my skin and put it in theirs...they can have a shred of this pain....but then again that is a pretty big shred. So I won't. I will sit and remember they have a story too I guess....OR sit and zone out in front of the TV and forget it all....until 7am then next day at least.

still running....still obsessed. How do you change an obsession....

Im Bored

These words are coming out of my mouth more and more lately. I sometimes feel that I have nothing to stimulate me. My world consists of constant routine. Wake up, go to the gym, get dressed, go to work, go home, watch tv, go to sleep. This is definitely not what I had envisioned for my life.

I was going to travel....see the world, Rome, Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, I was going to find a hot, loving passionate man, and we were gonna travel and have babies, and change the world. One person at a time. Well that hasnt happened  yet. But I still have hopes that it will.

I look at all my "little loves" the young girls I used to hang around with at 21 when they were just little 18 year old babies. They are traveling, drinking, and living it up. I did that too but it was more of a state of shock from the death of my mother at 23. I went on a short 9 month sabbatical of my mind and went straight to crazy town. Crazy, I dont give a flying F, crazy, wild, tatted, piercing,  whats your name?, vegas crazy. But once again, reality hit and I realized I allowed certain people and situations in my life that I dont want in my life. SO I cut it out. Cut it out like a cancer, or a tumor or something that is so bad in your life that WILL kill, I cut it out. With a machetti. swift, fast, bloody. But never coming back. 

Today, I have a job, a good job, a good family business job, I am respected and liked. and Yet I am bored. I need something to do. BUT WHAT?! 

Going to the bars does not really appeal to me anymore...It sorta grosses me out. Young drunk kids, dirty, young gross wild. Not fun. Last night I dropped my brother and his friends off at the bar and as I waited to turn I saw 6 girls, young, tight tight dresses, showing off way too much leg, or a dress cut all the way down to their asses, all with heels and a little tiny belly pouch. I laughed to myself because one...it was 10pm and they were obviously walking towards a house party. 2. they were all walbling in their heels that were too tall and hard to walk into, and seeing their not large but prominent pooch of bellies, made me laugh because what is small now, wont be so small in a short year, and will become a problem when they are 24 and are really fat, not just "fat" and live in the gym like I do, to Sweat off that freshman 15....in my case freshman 50! I just sat their and laughed to myself...YOU DUMB girls....I knew how their night would end. One would puke, one would cry, one or two would hook up with a random...the night would be a disaster a drunk disaster....but the next day: They would sit around and giggle with each other and talk and be like
"it was so crazy fun" Sometimes I miss those days, but I think I enjoy being 100 pounds less and have a degree and a job. 

Still though I find myself bored...I am kinda mean because I am so bored...a little judgmental and in everyone else's business that I am starting to bother myself.  At the end of the day I just need a conclusion to how to figure my shit out! 

Everyday I still am pissed and cry and am really really angry and sad about my mom dying. That will never go away. I have come to realize and learn this. and ultimately accept it. Its a scar caused by a deep wound not a gun wound but a deep knife stabbed in the heart...Overall I survived it, so I should be pretty dang strong but still with a delicate heart.  AND on a total side note: just because I dont cry every 5 minutes....doesnt mean my feelings dont get hurt! 

Back to reality here...I need a plan. I dont have one yet. First step ---plan a trip.