Cat fight - boobs and glitter

There are some things I just don't understand in this world. One thing is why people stay around bad situations or in situations where they are unhappy. I would like to think I am the woman who when faced with a jerk OR anybody treating me badly, I cold hard bounce. No way No thank you. I'm also pretty clear if you treat me poorly, that I am not gonna hang around. I'm only human and it does piss me off and hurt my feelings and I am angry about pretty much everything else in my life...so why hang around haters. But that's just me and I am probably a little wrong on that point because sure there is always the moments of lets work this out or stay away from each other for a little bit but in the end I walk away. Ladies ITS NOT RIGHT TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP! Its not that I am afraid of commitment because I commit to a lot of things e.g. sleep, gym, eating regularly,bathing  - see commitment easy right?!  I just have an intolerance to assholes- male and female. 

So as I sit and observe my surroundings last night at a few different spots. I found myself once again in my quote un quote shark den or the wild. Place number 1. It was a man meat market! Not bad on the eyes but they were surrounded by their bottom dwellers, their lionesses. But they weren't even with these men. Really you want stare me down as I walk to the bathroom that you just stunk up?! Get real nasty pony tail. As I said and I will say it again, "Just because were pretty,  doesn't mean we wont take our earrings off" Were boobs and glitter but we have screwdrivers in our purses. Place number 2. Chill, relaxed, a sloppy meat market. I think the quote of the night was "its okay to eat these onion rings because I have fetish for getting herpes" my mouth was agape and my response "huh?" place number 3. Cuban hat man. HOT. Love. lost - meh. but fun none the less. 

FYI, pregnant ladies do not belong at a bar at 1 am when they are about 7 centimeters dilated people. Get real with yourself girl- its not cute!!

Its ridiculous though the way women treat each other. So caddy and snide towards each other. There are a few rules that I follow:
1. Treat your friends well. Why ignore/ talk crap about- side note (discussing issues is not talking crap about), try and hurt each other or be jealous. You are friends for a reason!
2. Always support your friends. PLEASE. Its how we spread the love. Unless your friends are hurting themselves, support them. Its not right not too.
3. Never touch your friends Siblings OR exes. And with that don't flirt with a guy your friend likes. Its just mean.

*** To side track here, I think I am so strong on this one because I don't understand why people think its okay. Maybe because most of my life I was the size of a hippo or considered- "pretty IF you loose weight" I never learned to how to flirt with guys. There was no need to allure them to my pretty little self. Sad I guess but not really because now I depend on me and I value myself. FYI. I lost 100 pounds. Not a size 3 but not a size ugly. Still sensitive though, so please don't say- He doesn't like skinny but so he likes you, or he likes thick, or chubby. R.U.D.E. I don't value myself on my waistline so others don't need to either. 
4. We are not a home wreckers. Were not trying to take our earrings off, so put your claws away.
5. Dance dance dance, sometimes like an asshole, sometimes like a stripper, sometimes like no one is in the room just dance. 
6. work hard play hard.
7. If you offend me you are going to hear about it. I have no problem telling someone  what's up. If I don't hear it, consider yourself lucky or sad because it means I really don't care about you.


Ok enough with the rules here, there are a lot of them but I follow them. Point is. Stop being crappy to each other. Its disgusting. We have three little ladies, Kadence, Kylie and now Clare in our new "immediate" family and I think about them and what they will have to deal with when they are 16. Hopefully we (the ladies here) will give them a strong enough sense of self to walk away from people who treat them poorly too. I know Kadence will because she is strong and smart, Kylie is just love and funny- smart too, and clare, she fresh and refined- a week old and I can already tell regal.

If you do anything in this life for you. Please do this much. Treat yourself well and you will treat others well. Take a step outside of your world for just a minute and be good to each other. Instead of picking each other apart like hyenas---which we all do! Stand up for what is right. At the end of the day right is right and wrong is wrong. The good thing is, I CHOOSE not to live with other peoples wrong choices. I think I think this way because I grew up with all brothers in our own little wolf pack. I have my girl sister cousins (not literally) and they are great but the vast majority of my time as a little precious gem stone of a tom boy girl was spent sucking up and rolling with the punches (literally), I never dealt with the caddiness of women and never learned a tolerance to it and think none of us should.

It's easier sad than done. I know this because well just read above.... a mixture of strength and hypocrisy.

xoxo
Lauren...maybe i should go by Elle

Mean Girls

Mean Girls: Which one are you?

A staple movie of "back in the day" One of my favorite scenes is when -Cadi, explains how the girls in the mall act like they are lions at a watering hole in Africa. This movie was  awesome at depicting the way girls treat each other. If we are lucky, we can think that we grow out of it but honestly we can all say that even in the late 20's we have experienced a mean girl.

Every lady out there has a mean girl side to them. We can all say that we don't but lets be honest. In an interesting conversation about gossiping last night it was decided that all women do it, and hell sometimes even men will admit to it. So in order to be real with yourself, its time to decide what type of mean girl you are.

Mean Girls: Which one are you? lets decipher each one

 Cadi: The Gazelle. New, innocent, wanting acceptance, a little scared, unknowing beautiful. This one sneaks up on you because the claws don't come out until you steal back the boyfriend that was once yours and promise to hook you up with. At first she is kind and trusting then with the one simple act of betrayal of her you become the BITCH. Her popularity and intrigue is built by you. She will use that to her benefit, smile to your face then passive aggressively do things to get under your skin.  Beware of this one she is sneaky, talks about you behind your back but in the end feels that she is not in the wrong, uses her innocence to claim ignorance, has a good heart but int he end she goes a little to far when her opponent gets hit buy a bus...but still wins the crown. 

Gretchen: The Hyena.  Her hair is so big because its full of secrets. Shes is a tricky beast too. She is the best friend, the right hand lady, the best and the worst person to be around. This girl never takes the blame because even though she is always around and involved with the Drama, she is always the listener, never the doer. She will implement her plan and allow the rest to follow through. That way her hands are clean. But dont double cross this one because her ears are so big it tends to make her head full. When her head is full her mouth starts having word diarrhea and then its over....all your nasty little secrets are out in the open. She turns cold, and detached. She is comfortable at first and then will come running back to you when she realizes what sin she has committed. 

Karen: The Hippo. The dumb one. This is the least of your worries in the girl world. Really she is just along for the ride. She completes the pack. Usually pretty, really only concerned with herself and up for a good time. She will keep with the rules and never really gets in trouble because she is always in her own head. A little too dumb for most. She really is a like a cow, eats and grazes then leaves when there is no more food. Don't put it past her though, she will throw in a cleaver remark here and there and gives the leader power.

Regina. The lion but not Moofasa - Scar. The most dangerous of the mean girls. Simply because she is mean and she knows it. The leader of the pack, rarely passive aggressive. Instead of talking behind your back, she will say it to your face with such conviction, you might even believe it yourself. Its hard to see to the soft side of this creature. She is strong, brash, hard headed, spoiled, entitled, does what she wants and in the end only cares about herself and her needs. The hypocrite. She will tell you what you need to hear to your face but talk bad about you to the next person to listen. She is the most vicious of the mean girls but in the end also the weakest. Her pack will turn on her when they get sick of her hypocritical bullshit and run so quickly and will also be the first to stab her in the back. She is the Kanye West of the girl world.

But lets not forget Janis: The victim. The Cheetah in some aspects. She is dangerous too. The once friend, part of the group, former B.F.F, is so angry and detached, that she becomes the arch enemy of the former A crowd. Going from living at pride rock to the out skirts of town. So the former scape goat will find a new best friend, and while being good to her convince her to hurt the old best friend . This is when all out war starts.

Its not until complete chaos breaks out and there is a group of screaming women at each other when they all realize mostly and maybe it was all a bunch of mis communication. A huge long line of this one said this and that one said that. Then after the storm blows over and there is two weeks of peace, someone else opens their mouth, steals someone else boyfriend, blows off a friend, or really hurts the other and the drama is all over again up and running. 

To bring this full circle back to the conversation about all mean girls and gossip. Men just don't understand where it is generated from. Well let me tell you something men, women are emotional creatures, its why you love them so much. What you see as gossip, we see as venting, finding a solution to a problem. It might be easier to punch someone in the face and it would be over, but then life might be a little boring. 

pursuit of happiness

so not to sound sooo cliche but i guess i will with the pursuit of happiness....every year there is a new year resolution that floats around in the head of I think almost everyone...what can i do better? what can i do differently? what is going to be my great epitome for next year?...this year sucked so next year has to be better right? Well I hate to be a ball buster but not necessarily...2010 was really good but sometimes it takes a few pictures to remind me of that. My great summer away at school. The first time I lived outside of AZ. I spent so much time, learning, healing, and becoming more independent than I ever thought I was. We had a lot of fun this year. Two of my friends got married and one cousin, I spent a marvelous time on a cruise to Mexico  and met amazing new friends and more to come.

So as the common factor of most my writings, death -- my mom--here is some more.

This year was spent more in a time of healing. I came to the conclusion that death kills you. Literally but for the rest left behind. It ruins you, breaks you. You are broken. A broken human being, trying to put your life back together from the rubble that is left behind. There is really  no rhyme or reason to what you are doing during these times of grieving except you are trying to piece together a time that once was, that you can never reclaim or go back to or correct. You have to leave that time there and let it be. One can spend a lot of time fantasizing about who you would change it. I know I did. A lot of time spent crying, screaming, breaking things. Mostly done in private but some eye cringing moments done in public. But what to do really? The pain will never leave you. But you will get through it somehow you do and that is the crappy part I suppose. In times of holidays, when I try to hold on to the last semblance of my whole family, the drab conclusion is that you can not finish a puzzle with out the last piece, can not make the perfect cake with out all the ingredients, cant glue glass back together with out a crack left. You can see where I am going here with all the metaphors. So therefore, i am broken. And so my conclusion to fixing my broken self is to past the outside back together, freezing my forehead so people cant really tell my emotions, I might be crying but there is not ONE wrinkle line on my face, reconstructing my body to cut off all the pain, scars of anger, sadness, will always be left and I am okay with that, plastering on my eyelashes and pinning on my weave. The world cant tell your insides are broken if your outsides resemble perfection I reasoned to myself. But the next step is harder


Breaking through that wall of outer "perfection" and letting people into see myself. The emotion. Which comes out mostly when I am completely aggravated, angry, or completely taken off guard- that is when I hate it most.

But back to the "pursuit of happiness" with all these great things this year. Living in San Diego, I was able to meet people and share pieces of life, myself and  become un codependent upon my comfortable world. The world I like just fine. I took a pretty large leap I would say. Being truly happy for my friends getting married even though its what I want to most. I put all my time into myself. A pretty selfish concept really, but really being completely out for me, I was able to happily start thinking about all the others and how I could help them. It was a happy feeling. I sort of pride myself on getting what i want. If I want it i work dang hard to get it. No apologies thank you very much!
there was  a point to this i swear. ooh yeees, my pursuit of happiness. So as I hit the old age of 27...ugh. yuck. gross. As i hit this age, I came to the "epitome" I dont have to pursue it, if i do it it will be there right? okay kinda lame but you know what i mean. I already do what i want. I have already (to this day) been at my lowest and its been pretty low...so this year i will resolve to...well i havent decided yet. hehe....All I know is that I am so grateful for all the happiness i have had through my friends and family even through my brokenness

everyone needs to be heard I guess

 I sat here today and downloaded Christmas music. As much as I want to be sad during this time, and I am---its not really a WANT to be sad but a longing for the family we used to once have- as dysfunctional it was complete, I downloaded Christmas music. I secretly think my mom knew I would not let this holiday pass by, mostly because I like presents. But its more than that. I like the smell, the feelings, the colors, the music, the mass, how church smells around Christmas. Its nice, its peaceful, its happy. I cant wait for Christmas. It brings me back to a time of smiles and joy and food. Lots of food and family. I miss that the most. My complete family. I feel sometimes that I am the one to keep it all cemented together. The reliable one. The loyal one. The one not to mess with. I think that is my purpose, my penance. My dreams have been coming strong these past few weeks. The discord won't leave my mind. My mom is yelling. Normally, I am yelling at her. She is yelling now. She is mad. She is upset. Even though I know in Heaven there is peace, she is at peace. I think she is urging me to do something different. Maybe make peace with everything. Let it go....her famous words to me that when I heard them, I cringed every single time...it was pretty much a daily saying of hers, but now I cling to them.

I went to visit her. To get some guidance, on the scary and irrational thought that she might talk back, I laid in the grass around where her stomach would be I guess. When I was little I would lay on her stomach, it always made noises, I used to think "How freaking weird" Now mine does the same....so I laid there, fell asleep. I could feel the grass, damp but not wet. Long and lush- thanks to my OCD father, Before I fell asleep, I watched the bugs crawl around the blades of green grass. I thought so this is who you hang out with. At least you like bugs. Then I looked at the other headstones, someone died in the same year as she did, but this woman was old really old, someone died a few years before she did...not too old but still not as young as she was. Some person had their flowers knocked over, I picked them up and was careful not to stand on their head. I thought, this is who you hang out with. These are your friends. Quiet, peaceful and at rest just like you. No one to forget you, no one to betray you, double cross you or snap at you. Always and forever someone taking care of you now. The least we could do. So I laid on the grass, waiting to hear her voice. Nothing. The sun was warm, the breeze was nice and nothing. A shadow of an angel laid over my body. I patted myself on the back with the perfect choice of headstone....this angel is always watching her, stone, therefore never able to take her eyes from her. It comforts me. I tell her I got my hair done today. I say Hi, I tell her I am sorry and just wait for something. Anything.

Then Im awake...looking around, realizing I fell asleep- narcolepsy has won again. But it was nice- I took a nap with my mom. just like when I was a little girl. I told her I was sorry, I had to go. Ashley is getting married. I thanked her for watching over us on our cruise....and let her know I knew she was there in Mexico---keeping us safe. Enjoying the party. I got up, wiped the head of the angel, and got in my car.

As I was driving off, a woman was standing alone. Sobbing in front of a headstone. A feeling, a memory, a site I know quite well. "How sad" I thought to myself. Then another funeral today, a baby, a tiny casket, for a newborn. I thought "even sadder" that poor mother. To bury a child. To want a precious child, to have it grow in your belly, to feel it move, to hear the heartbeat, only to have to give it back to God. Poor mother.

I left. I came home, fixed my hair, changed my clothes and went to Ashley's Bridal shower. Ate and ate. Ive been very hungry lately....obviously I have been pushing something down. Guilt, anger, sadness. All three.

For some reason, I decided that night, I was not going to retire early and go to sleep, I was not going to be alone with my thoughts. I went out with Ashley, Will, some friends and Wills mother. She was warm, and funny and loves him so much. I opened up to her a little. She hugged me. She felt nice. A hug from a mom. It's warm, its lovely. I brag, "I sing you know?" Well sing for us....Nope not gonna happen. :) When I leave, she tells me "you have a talent, share it for the world." Practice. Do it. I say goodbye. Still not ready to go home, I chauffeur Kelly and myself to another bar. Where we see old friends, laugh, and I meet someone famous (well famous to me) ...Like a true fanatic, I ask for a picture (not an autograph---what an idiot!) Then finally 4am. I am home. awake and watching some tv...I really wish I had some ice cream. But I fell asleep. Now alone with my dreams. Sometimes I hate them. But not tonight...I don't remember them. My eyes are puffy and swollen and red, so I know I was crying. I do it a lot when I sleep. I don't cry during the day...I can't really stand criers..well grown up criers...I think they are babies, so I must cry at night because sometimes...well I can be a baby. Sunday comes, I do my chores, then lay in bed all day...Rent a movie and get ready for Monday.  Kelly comes back over, we gossip a little, I take her to her car. Go back to Ashelys house...gossip a little more and then I went home. What a blessing I thought to have great friends.

After thinking about what a fun/ nice weekend I had, I think that its OK to be a little happy sometimes, Its OK to relinquish control---my world has fallen apart once, how bad could it be if it fell apart again?! Not that bad I suppose. I got back on the horse once....after a lot of drama, fighting, and loss of friends. I got back on....it was bumpy but it brought me to a good place--- for now I guess.

So this whole story brings me back to Christmas music. I love It. The good ones though, sorta like the Catholic Church songs. They are heavy, strong, point making and yet at the same time, very fragile. I like singing these songs. They have their own sense of drama within themselves. So in order to sing to the world, I will start with Christmas music. Get ready L- Bo.

Obessions

Ever feel like when you become obsessed with something you just talk about it all the time? I guess obsession goes hand in hand with discussing it in every moment of ever day.....I tend to bitch about it. I am more obsessed with the shit than anything good right now. boo hoo on me.

Today I had a pretty selfish thought...if I could I would have pulled my mom from heaven today. Pretty selfish. I just want to talk to her. OR have her take care of all the little things I find fault in. I wanna tell people " its not about accepting change, its probably accepting death" Maybe I walked into my situation to have a constant reminder of that pain. Or just to do something for her finally to give her something back.

what is racking my brain, is some of her last words to me is " I am worried for you, I am worried you will follow my path----dont follow my path" I have prided myself on not doing so. And yet hear I am. Happy with it but in a constant fear that I am in her path. Getting walked over, being passive, being unhappy and stressed and ultimately have my bodied riddled with cancer taking my life suddenly wrenching me from this world and maybe leaving everyone a little pissed off because its a big F U. But I dont think she worked like that. Shes not the F U type. Me on the other hand...yep thats me.

SO I have become obsessed with a lot of things. First on my list: NOT AGING . Its been confirmed in my head. A tummy tuck, botox and maybe a arm tuck....the others I am not so sure about yet but this is confirmed. I dont care about the monetary cost. My second obsession. Not getting cancer. This is a tough one because sugar and stress my two other addictions are big triggers of cancer...but what to do? walk away from both?! Thats like going cold turkey into a war zone. NO THANK YOU. My third obsession: Living for me. This has been hard because overall I have the enabler gene in myself. Giving to others before myself. Feeling guilty treating myself to anything really. Working for others all the time---and people call me lazy?! Well F U. Obsession 4: Not really giving a crap if people dont like me. Thats your problem- get over it. I dont know why people hate on me but really?! I dont care anymore.fourth obsession..seriously making my CD...singing all songs...good songs.

Obsession....Its almost as bad as a real addiction. (Which I fully believe is mind over matter....of course until you allow yourself to become physically dependent on something) Time consuming, exhausting, plotting, drama, twists and turns, plans, broken plans, expensive. Makes you sick and consumed. I guess I am obsessed then.

I dont really see the problem however, to take one hour in the morning for myself. No phone no people no distractions. JUST me well and my bff...one of them at least. but that is a good stability. Then the 4 hours at home before I fall asleep- most the time involuntarily. The rest of the day...its yes mam, what can i get you, how may i help you, yes I can do that, yes, yes, yes, yes, NO but yes. run run run....back to all this running. Still running....3 years and still running. out of breath, out of energy.....If I could just shake the people who have forgotten or who to me have forgotten. Maybe I want to pull some glass from my skin and put it in theirs...they can have a shred of this pain....but then again that is a pretty big shred. So I won't. I will sit and remember they have a story too I guess....OR sit and zone out in front of the TV and forget it all....until 7am then next day at least.

still running....still obsessed. How do you change an obsession....

Im Bored

These words are coming out of my mouth more and more lately. I sometimes feel that I have nothing to stimulate me. My world consists of constant routine. Wake up, go to the gym, get dressed, go to work, go home, watch tv, go to sleep. This is definitely not what I had envisioned for my life.

I was going to travel....see the world, Rome, Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, I was going to find a hot, loving passionate man, and we were gonna travel and have babies, and change the world. One person at a time. Well that hasnt happened  yet. But I still have hopes that it will.

I look at all my "little loves" the young girls I used to hang around with at 21 when they were just little 18 year old babies. They are traveling, drinking, and living it up. I did that too but it was more of a state of shock from the death of my mother at 23. I went on a short 9 month sabbatical of my mind and went straight to crazy town. Crazy, I dont give a flying F, crazy, wild, tatted, piercing,  whats your name?, vegas crazy. But once again, reality hit and I realized I allowed certain people and situations in my life that I dont want in my life. SO I cut it out. Cut it out like a cancer, or a tumor or something that is so bad in your life that WILL kill, I cut it out. With a machetti. swift, fast, bloody. But never coming back. 

Today, I have a job, a good job, a good family business job, I am respected and liked. and Yet I am bored. I need something to do. BUT WHAT?! 

Going to the bars does not really appeal to me anymore...It sorta grosses me out. Young drunk kids, dirty, young gross wild. Not fun. Last night I dropped my brother and his friends off at the bar and as I waited to turn I saw 6 girls, young, tight tight dresses, showing off way too much leg, or a dress cut all the way down to their asses, all with heels and a little tiny belly pouch. I laughed to myself because one...it was 10pm and they were obviously walking towards a house party. 2. they were all walbling in their heels that were too tall and hard to walk into, and seeing their not large but prominent pooch of bellies, made me laugh because what is small now, wont be so small in a short year, and will become a problem when they are 24 and are really fat, not just "fat" and live in the gym like I do, to Sweat off that freshman 15....in my case freshman 50! I just sat their and laughed to myself...YOU DUMB girls....I knew how their night would end. One would puke, one would cry, one or two would hook up with a random...the night would be a disaster a drunk disaster....but the next day: They would sit around and giggle with each other and talk and be like
"it was so crazy fun" Sometimes I miss those days, but I think I enjoy being 100 pounds less and have a degree and a job. 

Still though I find myself bored...I am kinda mean because I am so bored...a little judgmental and in everyone else's business that I am starting to bother myself.  At the end of the day I just need a conclusion to how to figure my shit out! 

Everyday I still am pissed and cry and am really really angry and sad about my mom dying. That will never go away. I have come to realize and learn this. and ultimately accept it. Its a scar caused by a deep wound not a gun wound but a deep knife stabbed in the heart...Overall I survived it, so I should be pretty dang strong but still with a delicate heart.  AND on a total side note: just because I dont cry every 5 minutes....doesnt mean my feelings dont get hurt! 

Back to reality here...I need a plan. I dont have one yet. First step ---plan a trip. 

A hot Mess of a Reality Check

Today - well this evening it hit me. I walked into Lauren's new apartment and it was so pretty and put together and I thought to myself. WTF? I have to go home to AZ, its hot, and busy, and full of work and no play. An overwhelming sense of the stress called my life came rushing back that suddenly disappeared when I traveled 300 miles away from my life. 

This summer I embarked on a small journey to San Diego, to get some training so I can be a teacher. This has been the plan since my mom passed away. To get my degree, then my teacher training, then my masters, and I guess a family in the middle somewhere...but everyone keeps saying that will happen when you least expect it. Well I sure as heck hope not because I think my family would slaughter me- even though I am not 18 I am respectable. 

I made my brother drive me here in promises I would take him to the Zoo, the poor thing was SO sick but sucked it up like a champ, I dropped him off at the airport and then again I realized, OH MA GOD, I am alone... Here in a new place with a GPS, that I don't know how to listen too alone. This feeling of alone has been with me for awhile now, A lone soldier, one who has to rely on herself, to take care of the bills, clean the house, and still look semi acceptable to work my 9- 5 which is more like a 7 - 6. I started to freak out (silently) and went back to my dorm- 7 years of college - YES 7, and I never put myself in the dorm life- I always had a home of my own, my own space, my own things, me. Alone, the way I like it. I got to my dorm and opened the door and there she was my new friend. Hi Im Lauren, Im Lauren and instantly I knew this would be a cool summer. 

Then the course starts. This course promises a few things. An education, hard work, Knowledge, and a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly , a cub to a lioness, a Pinocchio to a real boy or however you want to think of it but a transformation of some sort into a whole person. I didn't think much of the transformation as much as I thought of how to get the work done efficiently, well written, and done quickly, like how things need to be done in my world. Swiftly, correctly, beautiful, and with no excuse for failure- quality, something to be proud of. Which of course it was, with the occasional trip to Newport, or visit from the BFF, the work I do is always great I know this. The "transformation" however, I guess will come in steps, I don't wanna look for it, I just want it to be. 

This summer has been a time of not only hard work, but of reflection and healing. Of having to do what my mother always told me to do and that is to "let go". I control everything, or at least everything has a sense of structure, and control, consistency, and quote un quote boringness, I do well with regimen. The organization of this course, has had to force me to go with the flow a little bit more and make me wait for things. I have had to be okay with the fact that I can not ask my mom about my babyhood, was I breast fed, when did I walk, when did I talk, were you happy when you were pregnant with me. Something Larry (my proud poppa) would also have no knowledge of. I have added 2 more friends to the mom/dad passed away club bringing my total to 6. 6 people who know how shitty it is. You don't even have to say anything just eye contact and they freaking get it. Its something you almost want to share in silence. And on top of this, I have made a bunch of new friends, and of course, have logged even more smartness into this brain of mine ( :) ) I always knew that I would be a fun mom, or a good mom or just mom but now I know I can be a wonderful parent if I work hard at what is best for my future kiddos. People need to get the difference between being a mom/dad and a parent. They are one in the same and two completely different things. And I highly recommend getting over your own emotional turmoil before bringing a child into this world. 


So back to My hot mess of a reality check...Lauren (not me the other one) has this beautiful grown up apartment. I had my own house once, but due to circumstance of my old life as an enabler, I gave it up. But now I think its time for a new house. Another little thing I saw today. In La Jolla in the starbucks, every single person was in a business suit, probably living in a million dollar home and probably even in this economy walking around with bags and bags of cash, now this IS an assumption other than the business suit part, but its time for me to up my wardrobe game. Most days my hair is perfectly done (thanks to Gigi's wonderful hands and teachings) my forehead is full of my new favorite injectables and wrinkle less, and my skin is chemically peeled and microdermabraised to a really smooth texture, and the makeup- I am just good at makeup and on top of that this summer I hit my goal 100 lbs, then I got hungry and have to go back down another 5. FML but I do it to myself. So I will dress always (At least at work) as a business woman, I have a business degree why not dress to impress. I will NEVER look a day over 25 (hopefully) and I will not par take in anything that will condone giving myself cancer. I know that I was born with every cancer cell I will have but I am not going to help that shit metastasize.

I will be debt free- some freaking how, but I can do it so I will one day have bags and bags of cash. 

I will take a few vacations to My Mexico.

I will try to be more social, go out a little bit more and be a tiny insy wincy bit more emotionally open. I DONT like this part. I protect myself. A rock, covered in steel, armed with a heat ray gun (these are real) but maybe just maybe I will stop ending things before they start and just go with the flow with out compromising myself here.
I will try to deal with my emotional turmoil so I can bring a healthy baby into this world and hopefully a husband before that well actually yes a husband before a baby and before I am 30...


I will continue to learn how to sew and cook and do all these "wifely" duties - funny thing is My brother will teach me to cook, if I pester him and I taught myself (basically) to sew.


I am sure a bunch of other stuff too but all these little decisions came to me in a quick 5 minute internal freak out! A list a long list of things to do. 


I guess if you think about it, transformation doesn't just occur, it takes a lot of work and growth for that Caterpillar to turn into butterfly, cub into a lion and did Pinocchio turn into a real boy or did that whale eat him?!


So for a second I was like I am a hot freaking mess! I am a crazy cat lady (minus the cats) Sheizer!! but when I look at the hand I have been dealt, the blessings God has bestowed upon me, and the responsibility I have to my mom and the relationship we never got to heal, I think I have done pretty well for this road well taken. 


SO..until next summer, its time to pack up, stop eating, start dieting, and get ready for the long haul, cause I have a feeling I have some serious butt to kick....especially my own chunky monkey! 

Back to Reality...but not till Saturday