everyone needs to be heard I guess

 I sat here today and downloaded Christmas music. As much as I want to be sad during this time, and I am---its not really a WANT to be sad but a longing for the family we used to once have- as dysfunctional it was complete, I downloaded Christmas music. I secretly think my mom knew I would not let this holiday pass by, mostly because I like presents. But its more than that. I like the smell, the feelings, the colors, the music, the mass, how church smells around Christmas. Its nice, its peaceful, its happy. I cant wait for Christmas. It brings me back to a time of smiles and joy and food. Lots of food and family. I miss that the most. My complete family. I feel sometimes that I am the one to keep it all cemented together. The reliable one. The loyal one. The one not to mess with. I think that is my purpose, my penance. My dreams have been coming strong these past few weeks. The discord won't leave my mind. My mom is yelling. Normally, I am yelling at her. She is yelling now. She is mad. She is upset. Even though I know in Heaven there is peace, she is at peace. I think she is urging me to do something different. Maybe make peace with everything. Let it go....her famous words to me that when I heard them, I cringed every single time...it was pretty much a daily saying of hers, but now I cling to them.

I went to visit her. To get some guidance, on the scary and irrational thought that she might talk back, I laid in the grass around where her stomach would be I guess. When I was little I would lay on her stomach, it always made noises, I used to think "How freaking weird" Now mine does the same....so I laid there, fell asleep. I could feel the grass, damp but not wet. Long and lush- thanks to my OCD father, Before I fell asleep, I watched the bugs crawl around the blades of green grass. I thought so this is who you hang out with. At least you like bugs. Then I looked at the other headstones, someone died in the same year as she did, but this woman was old really old, someone died a few years before she did...not too old but still not as young as she was. Some person had their flowers knocked over, I picked them up and was careful not to stand on their head. I thought, this is who you hang out with. These are your friends. Quiet, peaceful and at rest just like you. No one to forget you, no one to betray you, double cross you or snap at you. Always and forever someone taking care of you now. The least we could do. So I laid on the grass, waiting to hear her voice. Nothing. The sun was warm, the breeze was nice and nothing. A shadow of an angel laid over my body. I patted myself on the back with the perfect choice of headstone....this angel is always watching her, stone, therefore never able to take her eyes from her. It comforts me. I tell her I got my hair done today. I say Hi, I tell her I am sorry and just wait for something. Anything.

Then Im awake...looking around, realizing I fell asleep- narcolepsy has won again. But it was nice- I took a nap with my mom. just like when I was a little girl. I told her I was sorry, I had to go. Ashley is getting married. I thanked her for watching over us on our cruise....and let her know I knew she was there in Mexico---keeping us safe. Enjoying the party. I got up, wiped the head of the angel, and got in my car.

As I was driving off, a woman was standing alone. Sobbing in front of a headstone. A feeling, a memory, a site I know quite well. "How sad" I thought to myself. Then another funeral today, a baby, a tiny casket, for a newborn. I thought "even sadder" that poor mother. To bury a child. To want a precious child, to have it grow in your belly, to feel it move, to hear the heartbeat, only to have to give it back to God. Poor mother.

I left. I came home, fixed my hair, changed my clothes and went to Ashley's Bridal shower. Ate and ate. Ive been very hungry lately....obviously I have been pushing something down. Guilt, anger, sadness. All three.

For some reason, I decided that night, I was not going to retire early and go to sleep, I was not going to be alone with my thoughts. I went out with Ashley, Will, some friends and Wills mother. She was warm, and funny and loves him so much. I opened up to her a little. She hugged me. She felt nice. A hug from a mom. It's warm, its lovely. I brag, "I sing you know?" Well sing for us....Nope not gonna happen. :) When I leave, she tells me "you have a talent, share it for the world." Practice. Do it. I say goodbye. Still not ready to go home, I chauffeur Kelly and myself to another bar. Where we see old friends, laugh, and I meet someone famous (well famous to me) ...Like a true fanatic, I ask for a picture (not an autograph---what an idiot!) Then finally 4am. I am home. awake and watching some tv...I really wish I had some ice cream. But I fell asleep. Now alone with my dreams. Sometimes I hate them. But not tonight...I don't remember them. My eyes are puffy and swollen and red, so I know I was crying. I do it a lot when I sleep. I don't cry during the day...I can't really stand criers..well grown up criers...I think they are babies, so I must cry at night because sometimes...well I can be a baby. Sunday comes, I do my chores, then lay in bed all day...Rent a movie and get ready for Monday.  Kelly comes back over, we gossip a little, I take her to her car. Go back to Ashelys house...gossip a little more and then I went home. What a blessing I thought to have great friends.

After thinking about what a fun/ nice weekend I had, I think that its OK to be a little happy sometimes, Its OK to relinquish control---my world has fallen apart once, how bad could it be if it fell apart again?! Not that bad I suppose. I got back on the horse once....after a lot of drama, fighting, and loss of friends. I got back on....it was bumpy but it brought me to a good place--- for now I guess.

So this whole story brings me back to Christmas music. I love It. The good ones though, sorta like the Catholic Church songs. They are heavy, strong, point making and yet at the same time, very fragile. I like singing these songs. They have their own sense of drama within themselves. So in order to sing to the world, I will start with Christmas music. Get ready L- Bo.

Obessions

Ever feel like when you become obsessed with something you just talk about it all the time? I guess obsession goes hand in hand with discussing it in every moment of ever day.....I tend to bitch about it. I am more obsessed with the shit than anything good right now. boo hoo on me.

Today I had a pretty selfish thought...if I could I would have pulled my mom from heaven today. Pretty selfish. I just want to talk to her. OR have her take care of all the little things I find fault in. I wanna tell people " its not about accepting change, its probably accepting death" Maybe I walked into my situation to have a constant reminder of that pain. Or just to do something for her finally to give her something back.

what is racking my brain, is some of her last words to me is " I am worried for you, I am worried you will follow my path----dont follow my path" I have prided myself on not doing so. And yet hear I am. Happy with it but in a constant fear that I am in her path. Getting walked over, being passive, being unhappy and stressed and ultimately have my bodied riddled with cancer taking my life suddenly wrenching me from this world and maybe leaving everyone a little pissed off because its a big F U. But I dont think she worked like that. Shes not the F U type. Me on the other hand...yep thats me.

SO I have become obsessed with a lot of things. First on my list: NOT AGING . Its been confirmed in my head. A tummy tuck, botox and maybe a arm tuck....the others I am not so sure about yet but this is confirmed. I dont care about the monetary cost. My second obsession. Not getting cancer. This is a tough one because sugar and stress my two other addictions are big triggers of cancer...but what to do? walk away from both?! Thats like going cold turkey into a war zone. NO THANK YOU. My third obsession: Living for me. This has been hard because overall I have the enabler gene in myself. Giving to others before myself. Feeling guilty treating myself to anything really. Working for others all the time---and people call me lazy?! Well F U. Obsession 4: Not really giving a crap if people dont like me. Thats your problem- get over it. I dont know why people hate on me but really?! I dont care anymore.fourth obsession..seriously making my CD...singing all songs...good songs.

Obsession....Its almost as bad as a real addiction. (Which I fully believe is mind over matter....of course until you allow yourself to become physically dependent on something) Time consuming, exhausting, plotting, drama, twists and turns, plans, broken plans, expensive. Makes you sick and consumed. I guess I am obsessed then.

I dont really see the problem however, to take one hour in the morning for myself. No phone no people no distractions. JUST me well and my bff...one of them at least. but that is a good stability. Then the 4 hours at home before I fall asleep- most the time involuntarily. The rest of the day...its yes mam, what can i get you, how may i help you, yes I can do that, yes, yes, yes, yes, NO but yes. run run run....back to all this running. Still running....3 years and still running. out of breath, out of energy.....If I could just shake the people who have forgotten or who to me have forgotten. Maybe I want to pull some glass from my skin and put it in theirs...they can have a shred of this pain....but then again that is a pretty big shred. So I won't. I will sit and remember they have a story too I guess....OR sit and zone out in front of the TV and forget it all....until 7am then next day at least.

still running....still obsessed. How do you change an obsession....

Im Bored

These words are coming out of my mouth more and more lately. I sometimes feel that I have nothing to stimulate me. My world consists of constant routine. Wake up, go to the gym, get dressed, go to work, go home, watch tv, go to sleep. This is definitely not what I had envisioned for my life.

I was going to travel....see the world, Rome, Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, I was going to find a hot, loving passionate man, and we were gonna travel and have babies, and change the world. One person at a time. Well that hasnt happened  yet. But I still have hopes that it will.

I look at all my "little loves" the young girls I used to hang around with at 21 when they were just little 18 year old babies. They are traveling, drinking, and living it up. I did that too but it was more of a state of shock from the death of my mother at 23. I went on a short 9 month sabbatical of my mind and went straight to crazy town. Crazy, I dont give a flying F, crazy, wild, tatted, piercing,  whats your name?, vegas crazy. But once again, reality hit and I realized I allowed certain people and situations in my life that I dont want in my life. SO I cut it out. Cut it out like a cancer, or a tumor or something that is so bad in your life that WILL kill, I cut it out. With a machetti. swift, fast, bloody. But never coming back. 

Today, I have a job, a good job, a good family business job, I am respected and liked. and Yet I am bored. I need something to do. BUT WHAT?! 

Going to the bars does not really appeal to me anymore...It sorta grosses me out. Young drunk kids, dirty, young gross wild. Not fun. Last night I dropped my brother and his friends off at the bar and as I waited to turn I saw 6 girls, young, tight tight dresses, showing off way too much leg, or a dress cut all the way down to their asses, all with heels and a little tiny belly pouch. I laughed to myself because one...it was 10pm and they were obviously walking towards a house party. 2. they were all walbling in their heels that were too tall and hard to walk into, and seeing their not large but prominent pooch of bellies, made me laugh because what is small now, wont be so small in a short year, and will become a problem when they are 24 and are really fat, not just "fat" and live in the gym like I do, to Sweat off that freshman 15....in my case freshman 50! I just sat their and laughed to myself...YOU DUMB girls....I knew how their night would end. One would puke, one would cry, one or two would hook up with a random...the night would be a disaster a drunk disaster....but the next day: They would sit around and giggle with each other and talk and be like
"it was so crazy fun" Sometimes I miss those days, but I think I enjoy being 100 pounds less and have a degree and a job. 

Still though I find myself bored...I am kinda mean because I am so bored...a little judgmental and in everyone else's business that I am starting to bother myself.  At the end of the day I just need a conclusion to how to figure my shit out! 

Everyday I still am pissed and cry and am really really angry and sad about my mom dying. That will never go away. I have come to realize and learn this. and ultimately accept it. Its a scar caused by a deep wound not a gun wound but a deep knife stabbed in the heart...Overall I survived it, so I should be pretty dang strong but still with a delicate heart.  AND on a total side note: just because I dont cry every 5 minutes....doesnt mean my feelings dont get hurt! 

Back to reality here...I need a plan. I dont have one yet. First step ---plan a trip. 

A hot Mess of a Reality Check

Today - well this evening it hit me. I walked into Lauren's new apartment and it was so pretty and put together and I thought to myself. WTF? I have to go home to AZ, its hot, and busy, and full of work and no play. An overwhelming sense of the stress called my life came rushing back that suddenly disappeared when I traveled 300 miles away from my life. 

This summer I embarked on a small journey to San Diego, to get some training so I can be a teacher. This has been the plan since my mom passed away. To get my degree, then my teacher training, then my masters, and I guess a family in the middle somewhere...but everyone keeps saying that will happen when you least expect it. Well I sure as heck hope not because I think my family would slaughter me- even though I am not 18 I am respectable. 

I made my brother drive me here in promises I would take him to the Zoo, the poor thing was SO sick but sucked it up like a champ, I dropped him off at the airport and then again I realized, OH MA GOD, I am alone... Here in a new place with a GPS, that I don't know how to listen too alone. This feeling of alone has been with me for awhile now, A lone soldier, one who has to rely on herself, to take care of the bills, clean the house, and still look semi acceptable to work my 9- 5 which is more like a 7 - 6. I started to freak out (silently) and went back to my dorm- 7 years of college - YES 7, and I never put myself in the dorm life- I always had a home of my own, my own space, my own things, me. Alone, the way I like it. I got to my dorm and opened the door and there she was my new friend. Hi Im Lauren, Im Lauren and instantly I knew this would be a cool summer. 

Then the course starts. This course promises a few things. An education, hard work, Knowledge, and a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly , a cub to a lioness, a Pinocchio to a real boy or however you want to think of it but a transformation of some sort into a whole person. I didn't think much of the transformation as much as I thought of how to get the work done efficiently, well written, and done quickly, like how things need to be done in my world. Swiftly, correctly, beautiful, and with no excuse for failure- quality, something to be proud of. Which of course it was, with the occasional trip to Newport, or visit from the BFF, the work I do is always great I know this. The "transformation" however, I guess will come in steps, I don't wanna look for it, I just want it to be. 

This summer has been a time of not only hard work, but of reflection and healing. Of having to do what my mother always told me to do and that is to "let go". I control everything, or at least everything has a sense of structure, and control, consistency, and quote un quote boringness, I do well with regimen. The organization of this course, has had to force me to go with the flow a little bit more and make me wait for things. I have had to be okay with the fact that I can not ask my mom about my babyhood, was I breast fed, when did I walk, when did I talk, were you happy when you were pregnant with me. Something Larry (my proud poppa) would also have no knowledge of. I have added 2 more friends to the mom/dad passed away club bringing my total to 6. 6 people who know how shitty it is. You don't even have to say anything just eye contact and they freaking get it. Its something you almost want to share in silence. And on top of this, I have made a bunch of new friends, and of course, have logged even more smartness into this brain of mine ( :) ) I always knew that I would be a fun mom, or a good mom or just mom but now I know I can be a wonderful parent if I work hard at what is best for my future kiddos. People need to get the difference between being a mom/dad and a parent. They are one in the same and two completely different things. And I highly recommend getting over your own emotional turmoil before bringing a child into this world. 


So back to My hot mess of a reality check...Lauren (not me the other one) has this beautiful grown up apartment. I had my own house once, but due to circumstance of my old life as an enabler, I gave it up. But now I think its time for a new house. Another little thing I saw today. In La Jolla in the starbucks, every single person was in a business suit, probably living in a million dollar home and probably even in this economy walking around with bags and bags of cash, now this IS an assumption other than the business suit part, but its time for me to up my wardrobe game. Most days my hair is perfectly done (thanks to Gigi's wonderful hands and teachings) my forehead is full of my new favorite injectables and wrinkle less, and my skin is chemically peeled and microdermabraised to a really smooth texture, and the makeup- I am just good at makeup and on top of that this summer I hit my goal 100 lbs, then I got hungry and have to go back down another 5. FML but I do it to myself. So I will dress always (At least at work) as a business woman, I have a business degree why not dress to impress. I will NEVER look a day over 25 (hopefully) and I will not par take in anything that will condone giving myself cancer. I know that I was born with every cancer cell I will have but I am not going to help that shit metastasize.

I will be debt free- some freaking how, but I can do it so I will one day have bags and bags of cash. 

I will take a few vacations to My Mexico.

I will try to be more social, go out a little bit more and be a tiny insy wincy bit more emotionally open. I DONT like this part. I protect myself. A rock, covered in steel, armed with a heat ray gun (these are real) but maybe just maybe I will stop ending things before they start and just go with the flow with out compromising myself here.
I will try to deal with my emotional turmoil so I can bring a healthy baby into this world and hopefully a husband before that well actually yes a husband before a baby and before I am 30...


I will continue to learn how to sew and cook and do all these "wifely" duties - funny thing is My brother will teach me to cook, if I pester him and I taught myself (basically) to sew.


I am sure a bunch of other stuff too but all these little decisions came to me in a quick 5 minute internal freak out! A list a long list of things to do. 


I guess if you think about it, transformation doesn't just occur, it takes a lot of work and growth for that Caterpillar to turn into butterfly, cub into a lion and did Pinocchio turn into a real boy or did that whale eat him?!


So for a second I was like I am a hot freaking mess! I am a crazy cat lady (minus the cats) Sheizer!! but when I look at the hand I have been dealt, the blessings God has bestowed upon me, and the responsibility I have to my mom and the relationship we never got to heal, I think I have done pretty well for this road well taken. 


SO..until next summer, its time to pack up, stop eating, start dieting, and get ready for the long haul, cause I have a feeling I have some serious butt to kick....especially my own chunky monkey! 

Back to Reality...but not till Saturday


 

a poem of beauty by kahlil Gibran

On Beauty
Kahlil Gibran

Where shall you seek beauty, and how shall you find her unless she herself be your way and your guide?
And how shall you speak of her except she be the weaver of your speech?

The aggrieved and the injured say, "Beauty is kind and gentle.
Like a young mother half-shy of her own glory she walks among us."
And the passionate say, "Nay, beauty is a thing of might and dread.
Like the tempest she shakes the earth beneath us and the sky above us."

The tired and the weary say, "Beauty is of soft whisperings. She speaks in our spirit.
Her voice yields to our silences like a faint light that quivers in fear of the shadow."
But the restless say, "We have heard her shouting among the mountains,
And with her cries came the sound of hoofs, and the beating of wings and the roaring of lions."

At night the watchmen of the city say, "Beauty shall rise with the dawn from the east."
And at noontide the toilers and the wayfarers say,
"We have seen her leaning over the earth from the windows of the sunset."

In winter say the snow-bound, "She shall come with the spring leaping upon the hills."
And in the summer heat the reapers say,
"We have seen her dancing with the autumn leaves,
and we saw a drift of snow in her hair."
All these things have you said of beauty,
Yet in truth you spoke not of her but of needs unsatisfied,
And beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,
But rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.

It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
But rather an image you see though you close your eyes and a song you hear though you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark, nor a wing attached to a claw,
But rather a garden for ever in bloom and a flock of angels for ever in flight.

People of Orphalese, beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
But you are eternity and you are the mirror.

music la di da

When I was little, I would listen to a song over and over and over. I would dance around and sing it in my room at the top of my lungs and dance all nuts like Mariah...That stopped when my mom caught me doing it- all embarrassed

I still listen to songs over and over, I take in the song and love it until I know every word, then I am done...Its over and I can't listen to it again.

I am doing it now. :)

I have been here in San Diego...(absorbing it all) for about 4 weeks now. And I love it....just time alone by myself to figure out this world OR myself...who really knows. I figure you can't have it all figured out cause then its time to die. To release and go I suppose.

I love it here, but I really miss my people...all secluded in my "apt" but its wonderful and cold and a lot of hard work. or just work.

I have done a lot and figured out some things.

That hard work and effort, really does make you appreciate all the things you do and have, that I like hard work, that I have become a really reclusive person, am a compulsive buyer and will maybe never be rich, and to not be afraid of my voice--anymore...I think back to the 16 year old bad ass I used to be...Say what is on my mind and not care, but I am better at it now because I can pick my battles.

This has been a time of "transformation" I am not quit a butterfly yet but I am getting there a real girl ;)

Anyway back to the point---like there is ever a point...I love music...it takes me to another world..And I swear after a few drinks, I can Beyonce, Christina Aguleria, Mariah anyone under the table...whats next maybe american Idol

To re learn to sew

My mom used to ask me all the time, " Don't you remember anything good from your childhood? Can't you just let it go?" I would always say "nothing I remember nothing good"

As I sit here, in my "new" world, away from my family and friends, away from the people who know "my crazy" my ins and outs...I sit and try and be on my best behavior, to not make a snippy comment back to really rude comments or just pure ignorance, anyone who knows me and my big mouth, must understand my turmoil.

I am on a completely new path in a way. Finally, I am able to see past the past, and start to see a clear picture of the future. This is not an epiphany moment but a series of memories that I am remembering - I am starting to feel like instead of running for the past 3 years, I can just walk, I can see other than what is directly around me and start to see past the "drama"

All of my "ah hah" moments in class, seem so easy to complete. It allows me to realize and appreciate...SO to learn to sew.

When we got our assignments about making materials and aids for the children in an infant community, I thought - AWESOME! No biggie- I can do it. So I start to cut my fabric. Joking that my moms biggest sewing accomplice was the hot glue gun- and that is no joke, I can use that thing back and forth with no issue! I pinned my fabric cut it, confused by it and then looked and a simple sewing machine- I got a lesson, and thought I can totally do this!

I began to push my fabric through on my maroon line that I drew ( easy right?!) then my first obstacle....its starts to curve, but my thread is going straight, OK, so I readjust, but it continues to do this over and over and over, then the needle gets jammed. In a moment of frustration, I said " I quit, I give up, I will just buy it" But with another lesson, I try again. My frustration is still building and I am starting to push back tears. I am thinking, I never learned to sew...She never taught me to sew...but this isn't true. I watched as my mom made us amazing costumes, dinosaurs, ballerinas, horses, witches, everything- anything we wanted. Then I remembered our cakes. Not just cakes but it was another world on top of this cake! A pre historic world of dinosaurs, a cloudy home for Care Bears, a race car track, a star track universe or an ACTUAL 3 - D barbie doll cake! Who's mom can do that? So I am done, with my "Toppinchino" a large flat pillow, hold it up, and look at the crooked lines and think in my head, " MY poor future baby...has to lie on this ugly lopsided toppinchino- its not soft enough, its not straight, its not plump enough, my poor baby that I don't even have yet!, how am I going to do this? How am I going to be a mom?" I don't know how to do anything!! Sure I can pour money into a child, buy them cute things, But I can't even sew a damn pillow!" I've lost my maternal instinct, my natural ability to care for children because I can't even do the most basic of things. I need to learn how to be lady I guess, not that my mom was the every day woman. She worked very hard at her business, she was very into sports and she was creative an artist and pleaser....I kills me. It kills me what she went through, What I put her through, how some of her so called friends treated her. It kills me. The hardest part is it that I won't get to finish the cycle--- I won't get to complete this cycle. I will have to forever, learn to do things on my own, won't get my link, not have that connection anymore. (I know a pity party here)

I wanted to cry at that moment, watching all these women in my class, some moms, some not, some who have less knowledge than me and think its not fair, I don't have a mom to show me these things. It sucks! Instead of calling my mom every night. I call my grandma- my wonderful grandma. I think one of the reasons she sent me here is so that I could learn how to do these things for myself.

I packed my things, I went home and didn't look at it. So I put on my shoes, I started my walk down my first goal, the steep hill, then I started to walk up my second goal, the steeper hill, then I started run it. Just for a few short seconds, but I jogged, I breathed heavy, I wanted to cry. I went back to my room and picked up this toppinchino and thought, I am going to dominate this thing! I am going to learn to sew. I just have to remember what I watched as a young girl. A happy memory something that came back, when I let something nasty out of my head, something bad, something sad. I de- threaded everything I didn't like, and I went for it. I did it! Its still not perfect but my special little future child wont have to lay on a lopsided toppinchino anymore.

My next task was the Gnocchi balls, how hard is it to sew a piece of thread through a Styrofoam ball...harder than you think. But I will do it. Maybe with a little hot glue.