So besides the all the school, I was robbed, all my banking info jacked and tried to be used (and you cant catch this guy why?) locked down with no control of what was happening in AZ.....and I think we all know by know now how much I hate not having control.....I spent a lot of time in solitude, which I really love...pondering, thinking.... "should I fly home?" "How can I fix this?" "Should I call JJ another 15 times and ask him the same questions over and over and over?" AND on top of that I was yelled at / told off a lot this week....To be honest...I don't like and or appreciate yelling unless it is coming out of my mouth.
Well I didnt act on what I was thinking BUT I did eat a lot of ice cream....and it hit me tonight while applying my self tanner and looking at my leg thinking "what the hell is that? is that a bump is that a shadow nope its a bump- crap!!!!" OK Lauren you gotta do damage control this week"
Sometimes when your mind is pushed to the limit with uncontrollable circumstances You have to sit and think "why the hell am I doing this?"
Truth be told.... I have wanted a baby since I was 13.....1 would sit around and pick baby names and think of the perfect white picket fence I would have with my husband in my big home most likely in Tempe and we would go to church. I would have twin boys, twin girls and then a set of twins one boy and one girl...names: Gabriel, Alexander, Alazae, Genvieve, Samuel, Cain, and other names that I can not recall at this very instant.
Life would be perfect. I would be a teen mom and have a perfect little family. Money grew on trees and houses were free....Honestly I knew differently but it was nice to think about. But really what 13 year old really thinks about that?! Me.
3 years passed and I was 16 working at my grandmas school with my mom looking at different colleges to go to...Yale, Harvard, somewhere in Italy....you know the big leagues - Not that any were calling but a girl has to dream big right?! I sat in the office and asked my mom "How am I going to get money to pay for this?" I heard a voice to my left and she said "Just get pregnant honey...then right a letter to diaper company and they will pay for school!" It was a young mom sitting in the office. NOW for the first time in my life, my mom yelled at someone "DON'T tell my daughter that!!!!" the voice replied "Sorry Therese I am just saying." she said "-----name excluded for privacy, DON'T TELL HER THAT!" As my mom yelled I took a mental note, "OK Dont get pregnant...you get away with everything but this might actually be something that mom might KILL me for doing."
So my dreams of being a young well super young mom stopped there and realized that it simply could not be my reality...so what did I do? School and everything else a 16 year old would do.
Even though my dreams of becoming a statistic ended quite abruptly I still dream t of it but my goals changed. I would definitely have to get married first. That might be a good idea. Ok so husband at 16...not something that I really wanted to be tied down too....I was much to un trusting of men and I certainly was not going to be told what to do by one. PSSSHH, In the words of cartman "I do what I want!"
College came and I was 18, still to young to get married and have kids. I was going to be a lot of great things in college: a lawyer, a speech pathologist, an abnormal psychologist, an architect, a Spanish teacher, a communications major and superstar...all of these careers resolved around children...I would find a way to help children.
After my mom passed away, I finally made a decision...Business Administration...totally has to do with kids...right? Heck no! I got my degree in all of 2 years after 4 years of goofing around and was good to go....I was still able to work with children by working at my grandmothers school but in the office. I do like business, I am good at business and I like dealing with money and good with money...Just not my own.
I always knew I wanted my AMI certification so I could work with children and it took about 2 years to get accepted into the MISD program in San Diego...and I found the perfect age. BABIES!
I always loved Babies...look back to being 13. And I would be good at this, I am good at giving my opinion and I have been a babysitter, Nanny and have given so much (probably too much information) to my cousins who recently had children....I was so enthusiastic about the information I was given with this course that I practically spit it on people trying to share all this good stuff....
Today, during the second summer of my training on 4th of July, I sat in my dorm room sewing and editing my albums...my 200 plus pages of notes typed from the beginning of the summer. I spent all weekend going back and forth from Ikea, target, Michaels, Staples, office Depot, Pier one, Joannes of course I stopped in Nordstrom Rack but who could resist. ...and all to find the perfect tray and ribbon. Yes a tray and ribbon...why do they have to be perfect? Well because everything we give to children should be perfect. It is our jobs as adults to have everything these children need.
I was in Target for 40 minutes looking at wooden trays. Picking them up, placing them down, picking them up, holding them....looking at random families and debating if I could ask to borrow their child....my better judgment reminded me not too because quite frankly I probably looked like a creeper or a baby stealer...And I would just like to clarify for my cousin, even though I ask you to bring home a baby for me from work....I am just kidding...gross.
As I was sewing and watching Teen mom reunion...it hit me...I am doing this for the children. The children deserve better than what we have. And if we had it pretty good, then they deserve us always to be on our "A" game so we can share the good things in our life with them. They deserve the perfect tray because we want to set them up for success not for failure, They need the perfect ribbon because textures should be inviting to them so they learn to work with their hands and appreciate what they are doing and they deserve the best education. And as I remind parents who I give tours too, education is not just academic its social, emotional and so much more. And that is what I strive to provide their children with.
At 27, I have come to realize that its not that I am too young - because I am not...but that I am not ready to have a child, to be the protector, educator, and most important relationship to another human being...but I promise my future kids this (which I do hope to be ready for SOONER than LATER) I will hold your hand but not hinder you, I will give you the most beautiful things that you need, I will set limits for you and provide you with love and empathy and I most certainly will remind you just as my mom did....if you get pregnant at 16 younger or older- I just might have woop you....just kidding of course....because I know now that my mother yelling at that lady, was simply to prove a point to me that she wanted better for me and she believed in me in that moment more than I believed in myself. She saw far beyond the stars in my eyes and help me to gain something much more concrete - a brighter, better, more successful me - who was not promised a simple life from God or from my parents but one full of life lessons, hard work, pain sometimes more pain that feels bearable, but also a life full of wonderful family, education, friends and little miracles here and there.
She might not be around physically but I know in my heart and through Gods eyes she is the angel on my back....
So look out for me because I might be baby-less but I sure have a lot of light to shine and I know she is humbling me every step through it.
