So as the common factor of most my writings, death -- my mom--here is some more.
This year was spent more in a time of healing. I came to the conclusion that death kills you. Literally but for the rest left behind. It ruins you, breaks you. You are broken. A broken human being, trying to put your life back together from the rubble that is left behind. There is really no rhyme or reason to what you are doing during these times of grieving except you are trying to piece together a time that once was, that you can never reclaim or go back to or correct. You have to leave that time there and let it be. One can spend a lot of time fantasizing about who you would change it. I know I did. A lot of time spent crying, screaming, breaking things. Mostly done in private but some eye cringing moments done in public. But what to do really? The pain will never leave you. But you will get through it somehow you do and that is the crappy part I suppose. In times of holidays, when I try to hold on to the last semblance of my whole family, the drab conclusion is that you can not finish a puzzle with out the last piece, can not make the perfect cake with out all the ingredients, cant glue glass back together with out a crack left. You can see where I am going here with all the metaphors. So therefore, i am broken. And so my conclusion to fixing my broken self is to past the outside back together, freezing my forehead so people cant really tell my emotions, I might be crying but there is not ONE wrinkle line on my face, reconstructing my body to cut off all the pain, scars of anger, sadness, will always be left and I am okay with that, plastering on my eyelashes and pinning on my weave. The world cant tell your insides are broken if your outsides resemble perfection I reasoned to myself. But the next step is harder
Breaking through that wall of outer "perfection" and letting people into see myself. The emotion. Which comes out mostly when I am completely aggravated, angry, or completely taken off guard- that is when I hate it most.
But back to the "pursuit of happiness" with all these great things this year. Living in San Diego, I was able to meet people and share pieces of life, myself and become un codependent upon my comfortable world. The world I like just fine. I took a pretty large leap I would say. Being truly happy for my friends getting married even though its what I want to most. I put all my time into myself. A pretty selfish concept really, but really being completely out for me, I was able to happily start thinking about all the others and how I could help them. It was a happy feeling. I sort of pride myself on getting what i want. If I want it i work dang hard to get it. No apologies thank you very much!
there was a point to this i swear. ooh yeees, my pursuit of happiness. So as I hit the old age of 27...ugh. yuck. gross. As i hit this age, I came to the "epitome" I dont have to pursue it, if i do it it will be there right? okay kinda lame but you know what i mean. I already do what i want. I have already (to this day) been at my lowest and its been pretty low...so this year i will resolve to...well i havent decided yet. hehe....All I know is that I am so grateful for all the happiness i have had through my friends and family even through my brokenness
