everyone needs to be heard I guess

 I sat here today and downloaded Christmas music. As much as I want to be sad during this time, and I am---its not really a WANT to be sad but a longing for the family we used to once have- as dysfunctional it was complete, I downloaded Christmas music. I secretly think my mom knew I would not let this holiday pass by, mostly because I like presents. But its more than that. I like the smell, the feelings, the colors, the music, the mass, how church smells around Christmas. Its nice, its peaceful, its happy. I cant wait for Christmas. It brings me back to a time of smiles and joy and food. Lots of food and family. I miss that the most. My complete family. I feel sometimes that I am the one to keep it all cemented together. The reliable one. The loyal one. The one not to mess with. I think that is my purpose, my penance. My dreams have been coming strong these past few weeks. The discord won't leave my mind. My mom is yelling. Normally, I am yelling at her. She is yelling now. She is mad. She is upset. Even though I know in Heaven there is peace, she is at peace. I think she is urging me to do something different. Maybe make peace with everything. Let it go....her famous words to me that when I heard them, I cringed every single time...it was pretty much a daily saying of hers, but now I cling to them.

I went to visit her. To get some guidance, on the scary and irrational thought that she might talk back, I laid in the grass around where her stomach would be I guess. When I was little I would lay on her stomach, it always made noises, I used to think "How freaking weird" Now mine does the same....so I laid there, fell asleep. I could feel the grass, damp but not wet. Long and lush- thanks to my OCD father, Before I fell asleep, I watched the bugs crawl around the blades of green grass. I thought so this is who you hang out with. At least you like bugs. Then I looked at the other headstones, someone died in the same year as she did, but this woman was old really old, someone died a few years before she did...not too old but still not as young as she was. Some person had their flowers knocked over, I picked them up and was careful not to stand on their head. I thought, this is who you hang out with. These are your friends. Quiet, peaceful and at rest just like you. No one to forget you, no one to betray you, double cross you or snap at you. Always and forever someone taking care of you now. The least we could do. So I laid on the grass, waiting to hear her voice. Nothing. The sun was warm, the breeze was nice and nothing. A shadow of an angel laid over my body. I patted myself on the back with the perfect choice of headstone....this angel is always watching her, stone, therefore never able to take her eyes from her. It comforts me. I tell her I got my hair done today. I say Hi, I tell her I am sorry and just wait for something. Anything.

Then Im awake...looking around, realizing I fell asleep- narcolepsy has won again. But it was nice- I took a nap with my mom. just like when I was a little girl. I told her I was sorry, I had to go. Ashley is getting married. I thanked her for watching over us on our cruise....and let her know I knew she was there in Mexico---keeping us safe. Enjoying the party. I got up, wiped the head of the angel, and got in my car.

As I was driving off, a woman was standing alone. Sobbing in front of a headstone. A feeling, a memory, a site I know quite well. "How sad" I thought to myself. Then another funeral today, a baby, a tiny casket, for a newborn. I thought "even sadder" that poor mother. To bury a child. To want a precious child, to have it grow in your belly, to feel it move, to hear the heartbeat, only to have to give it back to God. Poor mother.

I left. I came home, fixed my hair, changed my clothes and went to Ashley's Bridal shower. Ate and ate. Ive been very hungry lately....obviously I have been pushing something down. Guilt, anger, sadness. All three.

For some reason, I decided that night, I was not going to retire early and go to sleep, I was not going to be alone with my thoughts. I went out with Ashley, Will, some friends and Wills mother. She was warm, and funny and loves him so much. I opened up to her a little. She hugged me. She felt nice. A hug from a mom. It's warm, its lovely. I brag, "I sing you know?" Well sing for us....Nope not gonna happen. :) When I leave, she tells me "you have a talent, share it for the world." Practice. Do it. I say goodbye. Still not ready to go home, I chauffeur Kelly and myself to another bar. Where we see old friends, laugh, and I meet someone famous (well famous to me) ...Like a true fanatic, I ask for a picture (not an autograph---what an idiot!) Then finally 4am. I am home. awake and watching some tv...I really wish I had some ice cream. But I fell asleep. Now alone with my dreams. Sometimes I hate them. But not tonight...I don't remember them. My eyes are puffy and swollen and red, so I know I was crying. I do it a lot when I sleep. I don't cry during the day...I can't really stand criers..well grown up criers...I think they are babies, so I must cry at night because sometimes...well I can be a baby. Sunday comes, I do my chores, then lay in bed all day...Rent a movie and get ready for Monday.  Kelly comes back over, we gossip a little, I take her to her car. Go back to Ashelys house...gossip a little more and then I went home. What a blessing I thought to have great friends.

After thinking about what a fun/ nice weekend I had, I think that its OK to be a little happy sometimes, Its OK to relinquish control---my world has fallen apart once, how bad could it be if it fell apart again?! Not that bad I suppose. I got back on the horse once....after a lot of drama, fighting, and loss of friends. I got back on....it was bumpy but it brought me to a good place--- for now I guess.

So this whole story brings me back to Christmas music. I love It. The good ones though, sorta like the Catholic Church songs. They are heavy, strong, point making and yet at the same time, very fragile. I like singing these songs. They have their own sense of drama within themselves. So in order to sing to the world, I will start with Christmas music. Get ready L- Bo.